My Day as a Stay at Home Mom

I stayed home with "T" today, because of her foot. Well, really I sent her to school and went to work but after she called me for the third time about how bad her foot was hurting I realized neither of us would get anything done at our respective locations so I went and picked her up.

Being a "stay at home mom" at least for one day, I decided to do something "momish" and make some home made cookies. But, the tricky part is I've been trying to have us eat healthy food lately and cookies aren't necessarily healthy. So I did some searching (hooray for the internet) and found this cookie recipe. http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/peanut-butter-cookies-recipe.html

No white sugar, whole wheat flour (which I actually had in my pantry), no eggs, organic peanut butter (which I actually already had in my pantry as well).

My review; slightly dry, but I ran out of one of the ingredients and had to alter it ever so slightly to make up for the difference. My kids LOVED them! And you can't even tell they're made with whole wheat flour. I've substituted whole wheat in a few recipes with limited success, but these were very fab and if you eat them with the soy milk then I think you would never be able to tell they're dry.

I think I'm going to use that site more often now.

And, it was fun being a stay at home mom; even if it was just for one day!

Highlights and Lowlights.

An interesting weekend with the family...as weekends with families go.

I think overall we all drew a little bit closer, and of course, the food was good. :)

High Points - Spending the weekend at someone else's house so I didn't have to clean up my house. Barbecue. Winning all the arm wrestling matches (yeah, I still got it), and watching my son dance. He has rhythm...not so much the moves. Snickers birthday cake (yummy).

Midlights - being offered $500 + a husband for my PoS car. Yard sale...sorry mom, not a highlight, but not really a low light.

Lowlights - that one thing...those involved will know. T stepping on a screw, right as I knew the weekend was over and I could finally relax.

Loni's funny saying: "mom, I used to think that the blinker turned on in the car because they car knew where you were going and wanted to tell you it was time to turn. Now that I'm older I know that the blinker is because YOU need to tell the car it's time to turn now."

It's Not Fair!!!

The thing that will most drive me crazy is when my kids tell me "it's not fair". This phrase, or the tone of voice which accompany's the phrase comes up far too often and is enough to send me over the edge sometimes. But, you know, to some extent I have to remember that they're kids and it's part of the learning and growing process. Hell, even I do it from time to time, in my own self-wallowing pitying way.

But to be honest, when I hear it from adults (or people who, merely by virtue of their age are adults) it's enough to send me reeling. I'm not talking about life things, "it's not fair that my father had to pass away" types of things, those are kind of expected. But, when you hear it from people who think "it's not fair that I got pulled over for a speeding ticket." or "it's not fair that someone makes more money than me." or anything along those lines, I just think to myself, are you kidding?

Life totally sucks sometimes and it's not fair. That's the way life is. So you have three options, do something to change your circumstance (don't speed, find another job, negotiate a pay rise), change your attitude, or sit and be pissed off about the situation.

At the end of the day it's your choice how you respond. I have so many examples around me of people who choose one of the first two options that I feel pathetic when I opt for the third.

My mother was widowed with 4 daughters at the age of 44. That's not fair. That's shitty to be honest. She could have chosen to feel bad about it and go to everyone else to do things for her. But, she realized it's part of the whole spectrum of life thing, she carried on and did quite well. Yes, she is like the rest of us, and perhaps had some very rough days, weeks, months years, but overall, she rose above it and still made her life worth living.

My children have been through more in their lives than most people have by the time they reached adulthood. Their mother told them straight to their faces that she never wanted to have children, and then left them in the care of other people. Prior to that, they were living with her and my oldest, when I remind her that it's my job to be mom and not hers, says to me "it's hard to change when I basically had to be mom to my brother and sister from the time I was 4". They had more men in their lives to call "dad" than I have had underwear (ok, that may be an exaggeration, I don't wear underwear...hahahaha...I crack myself up), the home they lived in was filthy, with feces and other types of filth all over. And now look at them? They are gorgeous, thriving young people who have the world in front of them and realize they can be more than a waitress when they grow up. Sure their life is "not fair" but they wake up every morning with huge smiles on their faces ready to bring smiles to others.

So, while it may not be "fair". It's our own attitudes that make the difference on how we react to our situations.

You choose!

Success!

Something seems to have finally clicked with T and school.

After two years of trials she passed off her 2 times tables last week. We started working on the threes Monday morning. Me prepared for another two years with her threes. But, she called me Wednesday at work to inform me that she had passed off her threes!!!

She had only been working on them for TWO DAYS!!! A HUGE improvement over the two years on the 2's. Not sure what's happening but she's finally got it.

Hooray for T and her times tables!

Heading for a Meltdown

I feel like I'm just a little too young for a mid-life crisis...if I'm really having one now then that means I'm only living until I'm 70...yes, far too young to be feeling like this.

Last time I felt anywhere near a total meltdown was a couple of years before the divorce. And then I lived with that near meltdown mentality for nearly four years. I have an uncanny way of being able to put on the happy face and make believe that I'm doing well. Back then there were no kids around so I only had to put on the happy face in public. Once I came home the facade was broken down and I had nearly nightly meltdowns. Although sometimes I could go weeks without even letting my husband see the cracks in the facade.

I was talking to a good friend and colleague, whom I also made feel uncomfortable the other day when I told him he sounds like a therapist...and perhaps that's why I'm able to talk to him so well...he costs a lot less than my last therapist. Anyway, I told him that I felt like I was losing grip on reality and that I was becoming obsessively neurotic about certain things in my life. As a result I made a life choice which I'm still not sure I made the right choice but it felt good at the time...as a result of my neuroses I'm of course, seconding guessing myself about the choice...anyway, back the conversation with the friend/colleague. When I told him I was becoming neurotic he seemed shocked and said that I didn't appear to be that way at all...interesting yes? Here I am thinking that everyone can see me falling apart one piece at a time and really, no one can see it. What does that say about me?

Either I deserve an Oscar "I'd like to thank all my fans, my mom and my dad, my brothers and sisters." (or is that my testimony?) Or it says that I don't rely on my support group nearly enough. I look around me and see the most amazing, fantastic group of individuals who are all there to support me in anyway they can. And the amazing thing about all of these people is they are so varied and different and have such different views on the world, life, God, everything that I could really get everything i need from them...if I allowed it. As I'm thinking about all of this I on my drive home the Matchbox Twenty Song - Unwell Came on the radio. For those unfamiliar, here are the words and you can go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOPssHhyXec to hear the song (if there is a way to actually put the song on my blog can a more experienced blogger show me how?)



All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

How I used to be? I think that is the most difficult line for me to come to terms with. I tell people that I'm an onion (yes, I stole it from Shrek) I have multiple layers to me and those layers have developed over my life. I would guess that each one of you who reads this has a vision in your head of "how I used to be" and you would each be right. I think part of my neuroses is coming to terms with all of those different sides of me, accepting them and reconciling them with one another. How will that happen? When will that happen? How long will that happen? I don't know. But I do know this for sure: I sure do like myself better when I'm not neurotic!

And perhaps the Ofuro Bath
and Japanese stone massage on Friday will help out too...here's to hoping!

My Dad

Yesterday it was 17 years; 17 years since my dad passed away due to complications of congestive heart failure, kidney failure and a myriad of other illnesses. He was only 44 years old. I was 18, and his death occurred exactly one week to the day of my moving out of the family home and going to college.

My dad wasn’t perfect. Who is, and all the memories I have of him are at least 17 years old, and most are older and fading and perhaps those are the best ones to have because they’re the ones that mean the most to me.

Two days before dad died, he was laying in the hospital and had asked that I come up to visit him. I have always disliked hospitals and the last thing I wanted, as the selfish 18 year old that I was, was to see my dad, sick frail and dying in the hospital. But we all knew that he wasn’t going to live much longer and I agreed to the visit.

That evening I went into his hospital room and he was there in his bed and the biggest smile crossed his face to see me. Like I said, I don’t like hospitals so I hadn’t been up to see him much, if at all, since he had been there. I can still see that smile on his face, my son Loni has his smile so it’s easy to picture. Dad was really sick and didn’t have much strength but he asked me to come up to the top of his bed. He slid over in the bed and I cuddled up next to him.

Dad put his arms around me and pulled me in close to him. At that time we had a little chat, the last one I ever had with him; the last words of fatherly advice that he would ever give to me. You would think, that I would remember everything from that conversation word for word. You would think that I would be able to recall all the things he said to me, but it was an incredibly emotional time and I don’t remember it.

I do, however, remember bits and pieces of the conversation.

Dad told me that he wasn’t going to live much longer. He knew that he had less than 3 days to be here on the earth and that he needed to tie up all his loose ends. This statement, of course, brought a profundity of tears. No girl wants to hear that her dad is dying. I’m sure I told him that it wasn’t true that he would be okay and that he would get better, but I was wrong.

Dad repeated to me the things he had been telling me over and over again the last few years of his life. He told me how proud he was of me for being so successful in school and showing my two younger sisters that it is possible to finish high school and go on to college. He told me how proud he was of me for choosing to continue my education and warned me that it would be difficult but that he believed I could do it. He was proud of me for discovering and exploring and perfecting my talent in music and for not giving up on that. Then he told me the thing that has and will stick with me for the rest of my life.

My dad pulled me close to him and held me tight in his arms. He told me that I was beautiful and that I should never forget how beautiful I am. He told me to not get frustrated with men, that he knew I had never dated anyone but that the right man is out there for me. He also told me it would take me a long time to find that man, but he is out there waiting for someone as incredible as I am. He also told me to not settle for anyone less than what I deserve.

I was very uncomfortable and the last thing I wanted, as a selfish, 18 year old girl, was to be in a room with my dad who was dying. To an 18 year old life can go on forever and ever and I didn’t want that elusion to be taken away. So after a few more minutes of tears I left my dad…

Two days later I was fast asleep in my bed when my mom came into my room to tell me that she was going back to the hospital because dad had passed away…those few minutes in his room was the last I saw my dad alive.

So, on this day late anniversary, I thank my dad for instilling in me the hunger for education, to be all that I can be and to see my full potential as a musician, student and woman.

I love you dad!

The Obama Ocho

The following is from the City Weekly, September 10, 2009 by Bill Frost

The Obama Ocho

Eight signs your child was brainwashed by Barack Obama’s school speech on Tuesday:

8. Instead of asking “Where’s his birth certificate?” he asks, “Where’s your high school diploma?”

7. She’s full of impossible ideas like a “career” and having fewer than eight babies.

6. He’s exhibiting Socialist tendencies, like sharing and playing with toy fire trucks.

5. She dares to ask over dinner, “What if Obama’s not the Antichrist? Can we turn the basement bunker into a play room?”

4. Instead of wanting to go to soccer practice Saturday morning, he asks “So, where’s the local farmers’ market?”

3. She switches the car radio from Radio Disney to NPR or, worse, jazz.

2. He’s demanding universal health care for his new ferret, which he’s named “Snarl Marx.”

1. She quotes Keith Olbermann and Rachael Maddow more than Jesus and Sean Hannity

Sam I Am

Facebook quizzes: the things we all hate to love. What better way to waste some time than to answer silly questions filled with poor grammar, bad spelling and pure idiocy? I took one a few weeks ago in which it asked what my favorite food was. Among the choices were Ramen, pasta or Flamen Yawn. I've had a Flamen Yawn before, let me tell you, watch out if you're any where near me when I have one of those!

I took one recently where purpose was to determine which Dr. Seuss character I am most like. Oh, there are so many good ones to choose from: Yertle the Turtle, perhaps, the one who forces everyone to do exactly as he pleases. Or perhaps the Cat in the Hat - fun, adventurous, spontaneous, always up for doing something exciting. Maybe even the Grinch - a cold, icy exterior who just needs a little lovin' to loosen up. But NOOOO...who do I pull? I pull none other than Sam I Am.

Green Eggs and Ham, was, admittedly one of my favorite Seuss books as a child, but when you start describing the character of Sam I Am, he is less than flattering; The little, annoying friend who wants you to try something and just won't drop it. He keeps pushing it and pushing it until he literally, pushes you over the edge and into the ocean.

Fabulous! This is just the type of person I want to be. Especially as a single woman, just the type of female a man wants to be around. Interpret this into relationshipese: Nagging, nagging, and nagging. Hooray! I always claimed to not be a nag and here is this infallible facebook quiz telling me I am just that!

So I tried to put a positive spin on it, if that's possible. Sam I Am is the little guy who knows that what he has is fabulous and doesn't want his good friend to miss out on the fabulousness (is that a word?) of green eggs and ham. Perhaps THAT is me. Perhaps, when it comes to dating, I know that I'm an amazingly, brilliant catch and I don't want the particular man I'm dating at the time to miss out on all of MY fabulousness. So I'm persistent, I'm a go getter. I know what it is that I want and I go out and get it. HA! If only that were true.

In fact, the exact opposite is true when it comes to relationships. I typically let the man steer it all. Whatever he wants, however he wants it to be I comply with his wishes. I may despise it the entire time, but I still comply. I can't even begin to list all of the many, many, many times I've done things for a man or the sake of a relationship which I knew I didn't want to do but did anyway. Why is it that I'm so compliant when it comes to men and relationships?

During the last days prior to the divorce these became more and more current happenings; it was an effort to save my marriage. I saw it slipping further and further away from healthy and knew not what else to do so I complied with many things which I shouldn't have. Looking back now, I know that it was because although the relationship wasn't at all healthy, it was at least a relationship and the unknown out there could be oh, so much worse. "At least," I would rationalize, "he isn't hitting me and that he is, really a good man. So what if he doesn't love me, the next man may hit me or my kids or do even worse." Yes, I did tell myself those things over and over again. Silly girl, I know.

After that relationship ended, I vowed "never again". I would never again compromise myself or my values. Yes, I know I have to make compromises in a relationship but that is far, far different from compromising one’s self. And yet, I continue to make similar mistakes.

Even when I know the guy isn't interested in me I continue to spend time and energy pursuing him. I have never, once, to this day ended a relationship on my terms. I've known they were ending, but never actually done the ending myself. I've always left it up to him to do. Because what if I'm wrong? What if I'm reading his signals wrong? What if he really is just really busy right now and once he isn't so busy he'll make time for me? What if, what if, what if?

I think, ultimately, and this goes back to a common theme in many of my posts, that I am really just scared of being alone. I think that a part of me is willing to put up with bad behavior, with bad manners, with lack of interest or intent because I'm afraid that if I don't that's all that I'll get, that nothing better is going to come along.

And another quick topic: What’s up with all the blackheads on my face these days? GRRR!

Sexy, Sassy, Smart and Single in Salt Lake

Welcome to my blog. First, a little about myself. I was born and raised in Salt Lake City, Utah as a part of the predominate religion in Utah, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was the second of four girls in our family, with no brothers and I was the “good child”.

Growing up, I did everything that I thought my parents wanted me to do. I went to school, had good friends, got involved in extra-curricular activities including music, theater, peer leadership. Additionally, I attended and was heavily involved in church activities. I held several youth leadership positions in the church and went to all my meetings possible.

I was the first, and only child in my family to graduate from High School with the rest of my class and went on to attend Southern Utah University (SUU) on a full music scholarship. After three years at SUU I decided to go on a mission for the LDS church. The day after my 21st birthday I entered the Missionary Training Center and continued on to serve an 18 month mission in Germany. Following my mission I returned to SUU and completed my degree and received a Bachelors of Science in Music Education.

During all of the time mentioned above I was a strong, confident, intelligent young woman. . Additionally, from the age of 16 until the age of 24 I went on a grand total of 2 dates, both of which were to girls choice dances. No, that isn’t a typo and yes, you did read that correctly, TWO dates.

After college I was working for three companies all at the same time, two of which were temp agencies and one was a night job. At my night job I met and started dating a guy a couple of years my younger. I, having no dating experience at all, fell instantly, madly and deeply in love. I had my first kiss when I was 24 by him and also lost my virginity to him. He meant the world to me and I really loved him, all the time knowing that he was already married.

That relationship lasted about as long as such a relationship can last with me heart broken when he moved back in with his wife.

Shortly after the end of that relationship I met and fell in love with another man over the internet, a Welshman. I moved to the UK, he was baptized and we were married a few months later. We were later sealed for “time and all eternity” in the LDS temple in London. During our time in the UK I was diagnosed with depression and even had a suicide attempt. I was not happy, we both assumed it was because I was away from my family so, after two and a half years in the UK we moved back to the US.

Life in the US started looking very good for the two of us. We both were able to secure very good jobs and were happy with our careers. We were unable to conceive a child and went through a couple of rounds of fertility treatments, also with no success. But we still seemed, appeared, and I even thought, we were happy.

One day, unexpectedly, we were suddenly the parents of three children, two girls and a boy, then ages 9, 5 and 4. We bought a new car and a new home to accommodate the children and we still seemed, appeared, and I even thought we were happy.

But, we weren’t. My husband had fallen in love with another woman. And informed me that he had actually, never really loved me. We went our separate ways in October of 2007 and our divorce was finalized in October 2008.

Shortly after our separation I met and fell in love with another man. Yes, I know, I fall in love too easily. Sorry, I can’t help it. This man, once described me as being “sexy, sassy and smart”. I, of course, loved this description of me, and have now adopted it for myself. This relationship, too ended.

So, here I am, for the first time in my life, realizing my single-hood. And here is my blog exploring all things that are Alison.

All posts dated prior to this one have been imported from various other places and sites.