Why Do We Wait?

Life is all about waiting, wait in line at the grocery store, wait in line to see a movie or go to a concert, wait for our food to cook, water to boil, boss to give you a raise. We wait to grow up, to go to school for the first time, to drive, to graduate, go to college, graduate, get a job. We wait to fall in love, we wait for others to fall in love with us.

Our whole life is full of waiting on someone or something else. As children we heard all the time, just wait and you'll find out, wait for your sister, she can't run as fast as you can. As a parent I tell my kids to have patience, just wait. In church we learn to wait for the songs (cause those are the best part) wait for the sacrament (something to break up the monotony), wait to go to primary, wait until you're sixteen to start dating, wait until your married to have sex, wait until you're married to have a baby.

As a woman, especially in the church, you're told to wait for the man to make the first move, wait at home while your husband is at work, wait for your husband to finish college before he supports you. If you don't get married by the age of 21 you're told to just keep waiting for Mr. Right, maybe he'll come along one day, and if not, you'll be lucky enough in the after-life to be chosen as a second, third, fourth (hundredth?) wife of a worthy man who can take me to the celestial kingdom because, no matter how well I live my life, I have to wait for a man to take me there.

To be a good wife you're taught to wait on your husband, what does he want, make sure his needs are met. To be a good mother you have to be patient with your kids while they learn what they are supposed to learn, wait for them to learn to use the toilet, wait for them to learn to walk, wait for them to learn to talk, wait for them to learn how to do just about everything. In the mean time, you need to wait around so that you are there for either your children or your husband when/if they ever need you. Don't be too far away if they get hurt because that could be neglectful, don't be at work if they get sick at school because that would make the school have to wait for you and THAT is entirely unacceptable.

I posted a blog yesterday about loneliness. I had a couple of people respond that I need to get out into things and date people. I had some people tell me that I need to see it as an opportunity to be alone and figure out who I am and what I need. Then, I had one person who told me to stop waiting.

WHAT?!?! Stop waiting? Well, that's all I've ever done is wait. She hit the nail on the head exactly. I'm not lonely, per-se. As was discussed with her husband yesterday, I have good people in my life, people I care a great deal about, people who I love and who I enjoy spending time with. I'm not really lonely. What I'm missing is someone to wait on.

When my kids are around I LOVE it! I can make them dinner, I can cuddle them and talk to them and I don't feel at all lonely. When I'm with my family I don't feel at all lonely, when I'm at work I don't feel lonely, with friends I don't feel lonely, when I'm with Todd I don't feel lonely one of the reasons is because when I'm with all these people my great ability to wait kicks into play. In fact, when I'm with these great people in my life I feel at peace, I feel like someone needs me, like I can help out someone in some way, any way.

The problem comes at the end of the day when they all go home and I'm by myself. I don't feel lonely as much as I feel un-needed. Sure, my fish need me, for about 2 seconds while I feed them, but after that, what do I do? There is no one around who is there to serve, to help, to wait on. I'm left with just me and my thoughts…and boy, can those be scary…trust me, you don't want to hear my thoughts.

Some people say this is a good chance to reflect on my life but, that, for me can be very harmful, I generally tend to reflect on the negative parts of my life. In fact, even reflecting on the positive parts leads me to negative things, how could I do this better or that better, what if, I should have and it becomes a very self destructive process for me.

But, Amy said that I need to stop waiting for everyone else to need me and figure out who the hell I am. And she's right, I don't feel like I'm anyone without someone there to need me. Figure out what it is that I want from life.
Problem is, what I want from life is to be needed and to have all the love that I have to give to others be reciprocated. And, so the vicious cycle starts again. If I don't have someone to need me at the moment, and I don't have someone to reciprocate my love at the moment, then who am and what can I do? Sure, I can go out and try and find someone to fill those needs or, I can do what Amy & Todd both suggested and figure out who I am WITHOUT having all these people are around.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." One of my most basic needs is to be loved. I sometimes feel that I could go for weeks, months years without other basic needs being met (food, water, etc) but my need to be loved seems to be even more basic and more vital for my survival. And I don't think I'm alone in this. Pretty sure there have been numerous studies about the need for animals (including humans) to feel loved. There's a level of security in that feeling.

So, the question is, does my need to be loved have to be put on hold while I figure out who I am? Or, can the two go hand in hand, is it possible to figure out myself while I'm also searching (waiting) for love? Or am I so dependent on my need to fill others needs, to be needed and to be loved so intense that it hinders my ability to find myself? Does it depend on the person who is providing the love (or, in my case the person I'm waiting for to reciprocate my love)? Does it depend on me and how much I let it envelope me?

I think with the right partner a person can and will develop their own personal identity and can know who they are. But, then again, maybe that's my overly optimistic (or is it hopeful) view on things.

On a lighter note, things are going very well at work. I've done something that hasn't been done before in my office and it's proving to be very successful. In collaboration with a partner agency we developed training materials and a training program about voting rights for people with disabilities. Over the last two weeks, under my leadership, we have trained 400 people around the state about their voting rights. We still have 20 more trainings to go and I hope to double that number. It's been a great collaboration with our agency, our partner agency as well as the rest of my staff.

Yesterday my boss walked by my desk, which is in total disarray and said "Alison, this place looks like command central with two computers out, and all the stuff you have going on. I love it and love what you've done with the project."

One yet another note, a few weeks ago Ado and I had a talk about immigration and divorce. For those of you who don't know, the reason the divorce has not yet taken place is because of immigration woes. Ado and I have been separated for almost a year and yet we are still married. This is a frustrating process for me. I don't want him to be deported, he's the dad of my kids. He means the world to each of them and, I believe that he has become more important to them than even I have (that was hard to say). Having him go to the UK would be incredibly devastating to them. So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Immigration has as long as they want to make a determination on his appeal. Does that mean I have to wait that entire time? Do I have to put my life on hold because of this? So, like I said, Ado and I talked about this last week (or was it the week before?) and he agreed that I shouldn't have to be married to him when his baby is born and that we can file the divorce in November.

After this conversation I hung up and cried. For the loss of our marriage, for the relief that I don't have to keep waiting, for the hope of what my future can bring, for the fear of what being divorced will mea (probably not much different than the last years). But, at least I have something.

I love you all and am grateful for what each of you bring in my life.

Combating Lonliness When You're All Alone

So, how does one combat feeling lonely when you're all alone? Since I moved out of the house and am living on my own I've been fighting with this feeling of loneliness every day and am not sure how to over come it. I've tried filling my time with other activities but the problem is those activities are just it's just that, filling the time and when the activity is over there I am, still alone.

So, how do I fix it?

You know, as I think back on things, I've really been lonely for much longer than when I moved out. Ado moved out last October and I was very lonely at that time. But, emotionally he moved out years before and I've been struggling with this for years now. I don't like too many people and am not good at keeping friendships going. But, there are a few people who I do get a long with very well. I fear that my fear of loneliness can be overwhelming for them because I want to spend all my time with them and I'm sure that they need time away from me and all of my neediness.

Any suggestions from anyone on how to figure all this out?