Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you (or just couldn't think of anyone else likely to do it).
1. I've moved more times in my life than anyone I know. (38 times and I'm only 34 years old)
2. I have the three most beautiful kids in the world, but have never conceived a child nor given birth. Ironically, I'm always told that my middle child looks exactly like me.
3. For the first ten years after leaving high school I spent more time living outside of the US than inside. Would be nice if I could keep that up, however with kids that won't be happening any time soon.
4. One of my biggest pet peeves is poor spelling. I can deal with typos but poor spelling and the misuse of words such as too and to, or were, where, we're, etc drives me absolutely crazy.
5. I started working at my company in 1999 and still feel like a total noobie when it comes to the work. I ask myself often when I will no loner feel this way.
6. I have a degree in music education and was once placed second best university clarinetist in the state, I haven't touched my clarinet for anything serious in years and still hope to one day be a guest soloist for the Utah Symphony.
7. I have four sisters and no brothers, yet 98% of my closest friends are all males...Women tend to drive me crazy.
8. Poor parenting in public places drives me crazy and I never hesitate to tell children off who behaving poorly, such as shoving past people, talking overly loud, or just being out right obnoxious. I don't care if I know the children or their parents or not. This has gotten me into trouble with parents in the past but hey, if you taught your child manners then I, a total stranger, wouldn't have to.
9. It only occurred to me in the last couple of weeks that when I wear heels I'm nearly six feet tall. I never realized how freaking tall I am. I always thought I was of average height.
10. It never ceases to amaze me why people at the airport all just stand in lines for hours waiting to get on the plane. And that they all stand up right when the plane lands just to stand there and wait for the people in front of them. Stay seated until it's your turn...I'm just saying.
11. I enjoy crying and am not ashamed of it.
12. I absolutely love Karaoke!
13. I believe in love! I believe in falling in love and despite many a broken heart, I enjoy the feeling of falling in love and being in love and hope that I never become hardened and disbelieve in love.
14. I want my girls to know that they can be happy, healthy women and that their happiness should never be dependent upon anyone else. It can be shared with someone else but not be dependent upon anyone else.
15. I had an amazing person enter my life about a year ago who helped me realize within myself what I just mentioned in number 14. I will be eternally grateful to him!
16. I forgot who Alison was for several years of my adult life. That will never happen again to me.
17. I believe that every person has the right to marry whomever they choose!
18. Life is so much better when pets are not involved. I don't believe in having pets.
19. I still get ID'd and love it!
20. My worst ever injury is a cut on my finger that required two stitches while in the third grade.
21. My parents nearly gave me the middle name of Sariah. Alison Sariah Smith...great initials huh?
22. My oldest daughter does have the middle name Sariah. Anastasia Sariah Smith...her birth parents didn't think about the initials like mine did.
23. I do my laundry at the laundry-mat...would rather spend the money and have it all done in just over an hour than to face an unending battle of laundry.
24. I was in girl scouts from the age of 6 until 18 (?)
25. Just like Mary Poppins, I'm practically perfect in every way!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
A Loaf of Bread, a Container of Milk and a Stick of Butter
For those of you old enough to remember this little clip from Sesame Street it should bring back good memories. Those of you not old enough (or perhaps too old?) can go to youtube and check it out.
I’m not one to make New Years resolutions. My memory isn’t good enough to remember what I ate for breakfast, let alone to remember a list of things I want to accomplish for an entire year! My life is in pretty good shape and I’m happy about what I’ve been able to accomplish with it. No things aren’t perfect; I could eat healthier; I could be a bit thinner; I could be in a nice, supportive, long-term relationship, I could be a better mother. But, really, who does have everything? The thing is, I’m happy with what I do have.
Looking back at who I was a year ago and who I am now I can see a drastic difference between the two people. I’m much happier, satisfied and content with me just being me. At the beginning of 2008 I hadn’t slept for a few months and was in full-on depression state. My failing marriage had come to a head and things had quickly left my grasp and I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I would continue on. So, I set up a mantra for myself for the remainder of the year.
Life is shit; just try to get through it without getting too much of it on you. That was my goal and something that I tried to remind myself of repeatedly throughout the year, especially when times seemed especially bleak. And, I succeeded. In fact, I got through the shit of life smelling quite sweetly, if I do say so myself.
So, I decided to set myself a new mantra for 2009. One that is slightly more positive. “A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter”. The young lady in this skit knew what it was that she needed to pick up from the store. She repeated it over and over to herself so when she got to the store she knew exactly what it is she wanted.
Like this young lady, I know what it is I want out of life. I think that I’ve always known. But, about ten years ago I started dating and, with the dating, for some unknown reason, started losing myself. I began being a person I thought the men in my life wanted me to be and in so doing, I lost who I was. I lost myself. Well, didn’t really lose, but forgot who it was that I really am.
Last year was a time of re-discovery. I owe a lot of this to one particular person in my life…and if you’re reading this, I’m sure you know who you are ;) You helped me to realize that I can be happy with me, just who I am. And I don’t need a man, or anyone else to validate that for me. But, I can’t overlook the work that I personally did as well. It was a fun year for me and in retrospect I’m glad that I went through it.
Now that I’m well on the way to finding Alison, it’s important for me to remember that I won’t settle for less than what I want and deserve anymore. Even if he is really hot . A loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a stick of butter is my reminder of who I am and what it is that I deserve.
Happy New Year to you all and I hope that if you’ve lost yourself you can find you again. If you haven’t then hold on to who you are.
I’m not one to make New Years resolutions. My memory isn’t good enough to remember what I ate for breakfast, let alone to remember a list of things I want to accomplish for an entire year! My life is in pretty good shape and I’m happy about what I’ve been able to accomplish with it. No things aren’t perfect; I could eat healthier; I could be a bit thinner; I could be in a nice, supportive, long-term relationship, I could be a better mother. But, really, who does have everything? The thing is, I’m happy with what I do have.
Looking back at who I was a year ago and who I am now I can see a drastic difference between the two people. I’m much happier, satisfied and content with me just being me. At the beginning of 2008 I hadn’t slept for a few months and was in full-on depression state. My failing marriage had come to a head and things had quickly left my grasp and I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I would continue on. So, I set up a mantra for myself for the remainder of the year.
Life is shit; just try to get through it without getting too much of it on you. That was my goal and something that I tried to remind myself of repeatedly throughout the year, especially when times seemed especially bleak. And, I succeeded. In fact, I got through the shit of life smelling quite sweetly, if I do say so myself.
So, I decided to set myself a new mantra for 2009. One that is slightly more positive. “A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter”. The young lady in this skit knew what it was that she needed to pick up from the store. She repeated it over and over to herself so when she got to the store she knew exactly what it is she wanted.
Like this young lady, I know what it is I want out of life. I think that I’ve always known. But, about ten years ago I started dating and, with the dating, for some unknown reason, started losing myself. I began being a person I thought the men in my life wanted me to be and in so doing, I lost who I was. I lost myself. Well, didn’t really lose, but forgot who it was that I really am.
Last year was a time of re-discovery. I owe a lot of this to one particular person in my life…and if you’re reading this, I’m sure you know who you are ;) You helped me to realize that I can be happy with me, just who I am. And I don’t need a man, or anyone else to validate that for me. But, I can’t overlook the work that I personally did as well. It was a fun year for me and in retrospect I’m glad that I went through it.
Now that I’m well on the way to finding Alison, it’s important for me to remember that I won’t settle for less than what I want and deserve anymore. Even if he is really hot . A loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a stick of butter is my reminder of who I am and what it is that I deserve.
Happy New Year to you all and I hope that if you’ve lost yourself you can find you again. If you haven’t then hold on to who you are.
Monday, November 10, 2008
These are not my thoughts but things I've been thinking about for a few days.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
The Tricky part is when you think someone is there for a lifetime and they're really there for one of the other reasons.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Crazy Dream
So I had the craziest dream last night about my kids and I have no idea what it's supposed to mean or what inner fears I'm having about the kids but, here it goes.
In my dream we were at one of the many homes that we lived in as children. It's the house which, for some reason, I have most of my dreams about although I don't think we lived there very long. It's a little three story place on a small hill (as a child I thought the hill was HUGE) and in front there was a very big tree. When entering the front door the kitchen was to your right and the living room to your left. There was an opening between each of these rooms on both end and at the far end was a set of stairs. Up the stairs were three bedrooms and a bathroom. From the kitchen there was a door leading out to the carport as well as a set of stair going down to the basement. The basement had a large family room and bedroom. This bedroom was usually my parent's room. The kids usually slept upstairs. Now, my description of the house may not be entirely accurate but what is important is this is how the house always appears in my dreams.
In this particular dream there was a large crowd of people assembled at the house. Mostly all were adults. There was also a man dressed as a judge, wearing the whole black robe thing. There was some sort of hearing or determination going on in the basement and most of the people were congregated down there.
The purpose of the gathering was to determine who would be more fit to be parents to my children than Ado and I. There were many people there and apparently my kids were in high demand. There were couples there from all walks of life; racially diverse, socially diverse, religiously diverse, economically diverse, etc.
I was sitting on the front lawn underneath the tree and was very distressed. I couldn't believe this was happening and that someone thought that for SOME reason I was an unfit mother. As I was sitting, distressed, on the front lawn a very attractive man whom I knew (although I really don't know who this man was) approached me and asked what was going on and why I was crying. I began to tell him about the day and why everyone was here. The telling of the story brought more tears to me and I began sobbing. This man, with incredibly blue eyes, leaned in to kiss me, in an attempt to calm me down. I was appalled that he would think such an action was appropriate or that it would help me in any way. I quickly withdrew and slapped him across the face. He tried again and I again slapped him and told him off.
At this point some strange things happened. I walked in the front door to the house (which in itself is unusual because we always used the carport door as children) and saw a young couple having sex on the floor. I shouted at them and they both jumped up and pulled on their pants. "How dare you have sex in MY house and on MY floor. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Leave now. Leave!" They tried to protest my kicking them out but I wasn't going to hear of it and they eventually left.
I knew that I had to do something to save my kids to ensure that they stay with Me and Ado, even though we are no longer together. I knew in my heart that we were better parents apart than any of the people there were together. At one point I said to someone "I may not have pushed them out but they are still MY kids. I taught them what they know, I've cared for them and provided for them! They are, in all intents and purposes mine!" I got the feeling that for some reason they couldn't be with Ado AND me. That they had to be with a two parent family and this is why the whole proceedings were happening. Since Ado has no biological connection to him he had to fight for them just as much as everyone else did. Although they are biologically connected to me I was unfit simply because I was a single parent.
I felt lost and confused and all alone. I couldn't find Ado and was frustrated that he wasn't there fighting for the kids. I had seen him there earlier in the day but he hadn't shown up yet after the lunch break. I was beginning to panic. They had to be with me or Ado. I had no family there to support my cause and I was looking all over for Todd who was some how lost in the crowd. I also knew, somehow that he was there but I just couldn't find him.
I went down into the basement to look for the judge. I had to plead my case! The judge was no where to be found, just people looking at me and judging me for being a single parent and thinking how awful I am for trying to raise them in such an environment.
I pled my case to anyone that would listen. Crying intermittently. Sobbing every so often. I am their aunt. I love them, I can provide for them and they should be with me or Ado before they're placed with some total strangers. They love us, they respect us, they feel protected around us, they know they can count on us. Finally I was told that the judge was meeting individually with each of the candidates to review their financial ability to support the children. I knew that my income was much lower than many of the people there but that it was also sufficient to provide for my kids. I had to find the judge. I went upstairs and he was coming in the carport door. I was introduced to him by Todd and he was very polite to me, except that when I told him who I was and why I was there he brushed me off, moving quickly down the stairs.
I followed him telling him that I had the right to voice my opinion, that I had the right to be considered, just like everyone else. He just wasn't listening to me or what I had to say. Then I saw Ado come in and was so grateful. I told him he had to go discuss his finances with the judge. I told him that they won't even consider me and it's up to him now to save our kids from spending the rest of their lives with total strangers.
I again began to cry and at this point my alarm went off and Loni stirred next to me in bed. I turned off the alarm, rolled over and wrapped my arms around my little man so thankful that he was there and he was safe. I felt happy and content and pleased to have my children with me for the week. I fell back asleep and didn't care if I was going to be late for work. My family was safe and there was nothing to worry about.
In my dream we were at one of the many homes that we lived in as children. It's the house which, for some reason, I have most of my dreams about although I don't think we lived there very long. It's a little three story place on a small hill (as a child I thought the hill was HUGE) and in front there was a very big tree. When entering the front door the kitchen was to your right and the living room to your left. There was an opening between each of these rooms on both end and at the far end was a set of stairs. Up the stairs were three bedrooms and a bathroom. From the kitchen there was a door leading out to the carport as well as a set of stair going down to the basement. The basement had a large family room and bedroom. This bedroom was usually my parent's room. The kids usually slept upstairs. Now, my description of the house may not be entirely accurate but what is important is this is how the house always appears in my dreams.
In this particular dream there was a large crowd of people assembled at the house. Mostly all were adults. There was also a man dressed as a judge, wearing the whole black robe thing. There was some sort of hearing or determination going on in the basement and most of the people were congregated down there.
The purpose of the gathering was to determine who would be more fit to be parents to my children than Ado and I. There were many people there and apparently my kids were in high demand. There were couples there from all walks of life; racially diverse, socially diverse, religiously diverse, economically diverse, etc.
I was sitting on the front lawn underneath the tree and was very distressed. I couldn't believe this was happening and that someone thought that for SOME reason I was an unfit mother. As I was sitting, distressed, on the front lawn a very attractive man whom I knew (although I really don't know who this man was) approached me and asked what was going on and why I was crying. I began to tell him about the day and why everyone was here. The telling of the story brought more tears to me and I began sobbing. This man, with incredibly blue eyes, leaned in to kiss me, in an attempt to calm me down. I was appalled that he would think such an action was appropriate or that it would help me in any way. I quickly withdrew and slapped him across the face. He tried again and I again slapped him and told him off.
At this point some strange things happened. I walked in the front door to the house (which in itself is unusual because we always used the carport door as children) and saw a young couple having sex on the floor. I shouted at them and they both jumped up and pulled on their pants. "How dare you have sex in MY house and on MY floor. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Leave now. Leave!" They tried to protest my kicking them out but I wasn't going to hear of it and they eventually left.
I knew that I had to do something to save my kids to ensure that they stay with Me and Ado, even though we are no longer together. I knew in my heart that we were better parents apart than any of the people there were together. At one point I said to someone "I may not have pushed them out but they are still MY kids. I taught them what they know, I've cared for them and provided for them! They are, in all intents and purposes mine!" I got the feeling that for some reason they couldn't be with Ado AND me. That they had to be with a two parent family and this is why the whole proceedings were happening. Since Ado has no biological connection to him he had to fight for them just as much as everyone else did. Although they are biologically connected to me I was unfit simply because I was a single parent.
I felt lost and confused and all alone. I couldn't find Ado and was frustrated that he wasn't there fighting for the kids. I had seen him there earlier in the day but he hadn't shown up yet after the lunch break. I was beginning to panic. They had to be with me or Ado. I had no family there to support my cause and I was looking all over for Todd who was some how lost in the crowd. I also knew, somehow that he was there but I just couldn't find him.
I went down into the basement to look for the judge. I had to plead my case! The judge was no where to be found, just people looking at me and judging me for being a single parent and thinking how awful I am for trying to raise them in such an environment.
I pled my case to anyone that would listen. Crying intermittently. Sobbing every so often. I am their aunt. I love them, I can provide for them and they should be with me or Ado before they're placed with some total strangers. They love us, they respect us, they feel protected around us, they know they can count on us. Finally I was told that the judge was meeting individually with each of the candidates to review their financial ability to support the children. I knew that my income was much lower than many of the people there but that it was also sufficient to provide for my kids. I had to find the judge. I went upstairs and he was coming in the carport door. I was introduced to him by Todd and he was very polite to me, except that when I told him who I was and why I was there he brushed me off, moving quickly down the stairs.
I followed him telling him that I had the right to voice my opinion, that I had the right to be considered, just like everyone else. He just wasn't listening to me or what I had to say. Then I saw Ado come in and was so grateful. I told him he had to go discuss his finances with the judge. I told him that they won't even consider me and it's up to him now to save our kids from spending the rest of their lives with total strangers.
I again began to cry and at this point my alarm went off and Loni stirred next to me in bed. I turned off the alarm, rolled over and wrapped my arms around my little man so thankful that he was there and he was safe. I felt happy and content and pleased to have my children with me for the week. I fell back asleep and didn't care if I was going to be late for work. My family was safe and there was nothing to worry about.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Why Do We Wait?
Life is all about waiting, wait in line at the grocery store, wait in line to see a movie or go to a concert, wait for our food to cook, water to boil, boss to give you a raise. We wait to grow up, to go to school for the first time, to drive, to graduate, go to college, graduate, get a job. We wait to fall in love, we wait for others to fall in love with us.
Our whole life is full of waiting on someone or something else. As children we heard all the time, just wait and you'll find out, wait for your sister, she can't run as fast as you can. As a parent I tell my kids to have patience, just wait. In church we learn to wait for the songs (cause those are the best part) wait for the sacrament (something to break up the monotony), wait to go to primary, wait until you're sixteen to start dating, wait until your married to have sex, wait until you're married to have a baby.
As a woman, especially in the church, you're told to wait for the man to make the first move, wait at home while your husband is at work, wait for your husband to finish college before he supports you. If you don't get married by the age of 21 you're told to just keep waiting for Mr. Right, maybe he'll come along one day, and if not, you'll be lucky enough in the after-life to be chosen as a second, third, fourth (hundredth?) wife of a worthy man who can take me to the celestial kingdom because, no matter how well I live my life, I have to wait for a man to take me there.
To be a good wife you're taught to wait on your husband, what does he want, make sure his needs are met. To be a good mother you have to be patient with your kids while they learn what they are supposed to learn, wait for them to learn to use the toilet, wait for them to learn to walk, wait for them to learn to talk, wait for them to learn how to do just about everything. In the mean time, you need to wait around so that you are there for either your children or your husband when/if they ever need you. Don't be too far away if they get hurt because that could be neglectful, don't be at work if they get sick at school because that would make the school have to wait for you and THAT is entirely unacceptable.
I posted a blog yesterday about loneliness. I had a couple of people respond that I need to get out into things and date people. I had some people tell me that I need to see it as an opportunity to be alone and figure out who I am and what I need. Then, I had one person who told me to stop waiting.
WHAT?!?! Stop waiting? Well, that's all I've ever done is wait. She hit the nail on the head exactly. I'm not lonely, per-se. As was discussed with her husband yesterday, I have good people in my life, people I care a great deal about, people who I love and who I enjoy spending time with. I'm not really lonely. What I'm missing is someone to wait on.
When my kids are around I LOVE it! I can make them dinner, I can cuddle them and talk to them and I don't feel at all lonely. When I'm with my family I don't feel at all lonely, when I'm at work I don't feel lonely, with friends I don't feel lonely, when I'm with Todd I don't feel lonely one of the reasons is because when I'm with all these people my great ability to wait kicks into play. In fact, when I'm with these great people in my life I feel at peace, I feel like someone needs me, like I can help out someone in some way, any way.
The problem comes at the end of the day when they all go home and I'm by myself. I don't feel lonely as much as I feel un-needed. Sure, my fish need me, for about 2 seconds while I feed them, but after that, what do I do? There is no one around who is there to serve, to help, to wait on. I'm left with just me and my thoughts…and boy, can those be scary…trust me, you don't want to hear my thoughts.
Some people say this is a good chance to reflect on my life but, that, for me can be very harmful, I generally tend to reflect on the negative parts of my life. In fact, even reflecting on the positive parts leads me to negative things, how could I do this better or that better, what if, I should have and it becomes a very self destructive process for me.
But, Amy said that I need to stop waiting for everyone else to need me and figure out who the hell I am. And she's right, I don't feel like I'm anyone without someone there to need me. Figure out what it is that I want from life.
Problem is, what I want from life is to be needed and to have all the love that I have to give to others be reciprocated. And, so the vicious cycle starts again. If I don't have someone to need me at the moment, and I don't have someone to reciprocate my love at the moment, then who am and what can I do? Sure, I can go out and try and find someone to fill those needs or, I can do what Amy & Todd both suggested and figure out who I am WITHOUT having all these people are around.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." One of my most basic needs is to be loved. I sometimes feel that I could go for weeks, months years without other basic needs being met (food, water, etc) but my need to be loved seems to be even more basic and more vital for my survival. And I don't think I'm alone in this. Pretty sure there have been numerous studies about the need for animals (including humans) to feel loved. There's a level of security in that feeling.
So, the question is, does my need to be loved have to be put on hold while I figure out who I am? Or, can the two go hand in hand, is it possible to figure out myself while I'm also searching (waiting) for love? Or am I so dependent on my need to fill others needs, to be needed and to be loved so intense that it hinders my ability to find myself? Does it depend on the person who is providing the love (or, in my case the person I'm waiting for to reciprocate my love)? Does it depend on me and how much I let it envelope me?
I think with the right partner a person can and will develop their own personal identity and can know who they are. But, then again, maybe that's my overly optimistic (or is it hopeful) view on things.
On a lighter note, things are going very well at work. I've done something that hasn't been done before in my office and it's proving to be very successful. In collaboration with a partner agency we developed training materials and a training program about voting rights for people with disabilities. Over the last two weeks, under my leadership, we have trained 400 people around the state about their voting rights. We still have 20 more trainings to go and I hope to double that number. It's been a great collaboration with our agency, our partner agency as well as the rest of my staff.
Yesterday my boss walked by my desk, which is in total disarray and said "Alison, this place looks like command central with two computers out, and all the stuff you have going on. I love it and love what you've done with the project."
One yet another note, a few weeks ago Ado and I had a talk about immigration and divorce. For those of you who don't know, the reason the divorce has not yet taken place is because of immigration woes. Ado and I have been separated for almost a year and yet we are still married. This is a frustrating process for me. I don't want him to be deported, he's the dad of my kids. He means the world to each of them and, I believe that he has become more important to them than even I have (that was hard to say). Having him go to the UK would be incredibly devastating to them. So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Immigration has as long as they want to make a determination on his appeal. Does that mean I have to wait that entire time? Do I have to put my life on hold because of this? So, like I said, Ado and I talked about this last week (or was it the week before?) and he agreed that I shouldn't have to be married to him when his baby is born and that we can file the divorce in November.
After this conversation I hung up and cried. For the loss of our marriage, for the relief that I don't have to keep waiting, for the hope of what my future can bring, for the fear of what being divorced will mea (probably not much different than the last years). But, at least I have something.
I love you all and am grateful for what each of you bring in my life.
Our whole life is full of waiting on someone or something else. As children we heard all the time, just wait and you'll find out, wait for your sister, she can't run as fast as you can. As a parent I tell my kids to have patience, just wait. In church we learn to wait for the songs (cause those are the best part) wait for the sacrament (something to break up the monotony), wait to go to primary, wait until you're sixteen to start dating, wait until your married to have sex, wait until you're married to have a baby.
As a woman, especially in the church, you're told to wait for the man to make the first move, wait at home while your husband is at work, wait for your husband to finish college before he supports you. If you don't get married by the age of 21 you're told to just keep waiting for Mr. Right, maybe he'll come along one day, and if not, you'll be lucky enough in the after-life to be chosen as a second, third, fourth (hundredth?) wife of a worthy man who can take me to the celestial kingdom because, no matter how well I live my life, I have to wait for a man to take me there.
To be a good wife you're taught to wait on your husband, what does he want, make sure his needs are met. To be a good mother you have to be patient with your kids while they learn what they are supposed to learn, wait for them to learn to use the toilet, wait for them to learn to walk, wait for them to learn to talk, wait for them to learn how to do just about everything. In the mean time, you need to wait around so that you are there for either your children or your husband when/if they ever need you. Don't be too far away if they get hurt because that could be neglectful, don't be at work if they get sick at school because that would make the school have to wait for you and THAT is entirely unacceptable.
I posted a blog yesterday about loneliness. I had a couple of people respond that I need to get out into things and date people. I had some people tell me that I need to see it as an opportunity to be alone and figure out who I am and what I need. Then, I had one person who told me to stop waiting.
WHAT?!?! Stop waiting? Well, that's all I've ever done is wait. She hit the nail on the head exactly. I'm not lonely, per-se. As was discussed with her husband yesterday, I have good people in my life, people I care a great deal about, people who I love and who I enjoy spending time with. I'm not really lonely. What I'm missing is someone to wait on.
When my kids are around I LOVE it! I can make them dinner, I can cuddle them and talk to them and I don't feel at all lonely. When I'm with my family I don't feel at all lonely, when I'm at work I don't feel lonely, with friends I don't feel lonely, when I'm with Todd I don't feel lonely one of the reasons is because when I'm with all these people my great ability to wait kicks into play. In fact, when I'm with these great people in my life I feel at peace, I feel like someone needs me, like I can help out someone in some way, any way.
The problem comes at the end of the day when they all go home and I'm by myself. I don't feel lonely as much as I feel un-needed. Sure, my fish need me, for about 2 seconds while I feed them, but after that, what do I do? There is no one around who is there to serve, to help, to wait on. I'm left with just me and my thoughts…and boy, can those be scary…trust me, you don't want to hear my thoughts.
Some people say this is a good chance to reflect on my life but, that, for me can be very harmful, I generally tend to reflect on the negative parts of my life. In fact, even reflecting on the positive parts leads me to negative things, how could I do this better or that better, what if, I should have and it becomes a very self destructive process for me.
But, Amy said that I need to stop waiting for everyone else to need me and figure out who the hell I am. And she's right, I don't feel like I'm anyone without someone there to need me. Figure out what it is that I want from life.
Problem is, what I want from life is to be needed and to have all the love that I have to give to others be reciprocated. And, so the vicious cycle starts again. If I don't have someone to need me at the moment, and I don't have someone to reciprocate my love at the moment, then who am and what can I do? Sure, I can go out and try and find someone to fill those needs or, I can do what Amy & Todd both suggested and figure out who I am WITHOUT having all these people are around.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." One of my most basic needs is to be loved. I sometimes feel that I could go for weeks, months years without other basic needs being met (food, water, etc) but my need to be loved seems to be even more basic and more vital for my survival. And I don't think I'm alone in this. Pretty sure there have been numerous studies about the need for animals (including humans) to feel loved. There's a level of security in that feeling.
So, the question is, does my need to be loved have to be put on hold while I figure out who I am? Or, can the two go hand in hand, is it possible to figure out myself while I'm also searching (waiting) for love? Or am I so dependent on my need to fill others needs, to be needed and to be loved so intense that it hinders my ability to find myself? Does it depend on the person who is providing the love (or, in my case the person I'm waiting for to reciprocate my love)? Does it depend on me and how much I let it envelope me?
I think with the right partner a person can and will develop their own personal identity and can know who they are. But, then again, maybe that's my overly optimistic (or is it hopeful) view on things.
On a lighter note, things are going very well at work. I've done something that hasn't been done before in my office and it's proving to be very successful. In collaboration with a partner agency we developed training materials and a training program about voting rights for people with disabilities. Over the last two weeks, under my leadership, we have trained 400 people around the state about their voting rights. We still have 20 more trainings to go and I hope to double that number. It's been a great collaboration with our agency, our partner agency as well as the rest of my staff.
Yesterday my boss walked by my desk, which is in total disarray and said "Alison, this place looks like command central with two computers out, and all the stuff you have going on. I love it and love what you've done with the project."
One yet another note, a few weeks ago Ado and I had a talk about immigration and divorce. For those of you who don't know, the reason the divorce has not yet taken place is because of immigration woes. Ado and I have been separated for almost a year and yet we are still married. This is a frustrating process for me. I don't want him to be deported, he's the dad of my kids. He means the world to each of them and, I believe that he has become more important to them than even I have (that was hard to say). Having him go to the UK would be incredibly devastating to them. So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Immigration has as long as they want to make a determination on his appeal. Does that mean I have to wait that entire time? Do I have to put my life on hold because of this? So, like I said, Ado and I talked about this last week (or was it the week before?) and he agreed that I shouldn't have to be married to him when his baby is born and that we can file the divorce in November.
After this conversation I hung up and cried. For the loss of our marriage, for the relief that I don't have to keep waiting, for the hope of what my future can bring, for the fear of what being divorced will mea (probably not much different than the last years). But, at least I have something.
I love you all and am grateful for what each of you bring in my life.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Combating Lonliness When You're All Alone
So, how does one combat feeling lonely when you're all alone? Since I moved out of the house and am living on my own I've been fighting with this feeling of loneliness every day and am not sure how to over come it. I've tried filling my time with other activities but the problem is those activities are just it's just that, filling the time and when the activity is over there I am, still alone.
So, how do I fix it?
You know, as I think back on things, I've really been lonely for much longer than when I moved out. Ado moved out last October and I was very lonely at that time. But, emotionally he moved out years before and I've been struggling with this for years now. I don't like too many people and am not good at keeping friendships going. But, there are a few people who I do get a long with very well. I fear that my fear of loneliness can be overwhelming for them because I want to spend all my time with them and I'm sure that they need time away from me and all of my neediness.
Any suggestions from anyone on how to figure all this out?
So, how do I fix it?
You know, as I think back on things, I've really been lonely for much longer than when I moved out. Ado moved out last October and I was very lonely at that time. But, emotionally he moved out years before and I've been struggling with this for years now. I don't like too many people and am not good at keeping friendships going. But, there are a few people who I do get a long with very well. I fear that my fear of loneliness can be overwhelming for them because I want to spend all my time with them and I'm sure that they need time away from me and all of my neediness.
Any suggestions from anyone on how to figure all this out?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
It's Not a Full Moon, so What's Going On?
Craziness abounds in my life these days and I'm not sure what's going on.
Yesterday I was online chatting to a man that I've known for about 4 years. He told me that he was in town on leave and said "it would be more fun if I had your hot body on top of mine!" HAHAHA This made me laugh so hard and I had no idea how to respond but to laugh at him. This guy is so hot but one of those men that you would never be with because you would feel so inferior and self conscious. He wasn't impressed with my laughing at him and quickly logged off. Oh well.
Then, today, I was at the gas station for a quicky. Just $10 of gas. Should have been in and out of there in just a couple of minutes. But, NOOO...I got sidetracked.
As I'm getting out of the car a very attractive man pulled up into the space next to mine. He nodded in my direction and I nodded back. A minute or so later he asks me "What would you call this place?" I'm thinking to myself, 'a gas station'. But, I held my tongue and said "what do you mean?" Like, what part of town is it? "Oh, West Valley, Glendale area". "Where is Rose Park?" "Just down the road a little bit." "What about the Rose Park golf course?" "Just keep heading down Redwood Road and you'll see it on your right."
I
of course assumed the conversation was over. The gas station is not a social gathering spot. One goes to the gas station, fills up the car and leaves. Even when you see people you know you rarely sit and chat with them. It just seems odd.
But, I was wrong. He continued asking me questions, getting more personal; are you from around here? Did you grow up here? Do you like it here? Why are all the women so conservative here? What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done with a guy?
Hold on!! What? I don't know you, I don't know your name. There's probably no one who knows the most spontaneous thing I've done with a guy, that's none of your business. Again, just like the day before I just started laughing. I told hi jum that I don't know him and I'm not going to discuss it with him. He then asked me if I lived close by and said "Let's go over to your place and fool around."
WHAT?!?!? Are my ears playing tricks on me? Did a total stranger just ask me, at the gas station, to take him to my place and fuck him?!?!? I burst out laughing and told him no. "Come on, look at you, you're so hot! And look at those, are they real?" Again, laughter and I affirmed that they are indeed real. "Come on, you know it would be fun. It's been three weeks since I've had any and I'm dying and you are soooooo hot." hahaha
At this point I realize that there is no gas going into my car. It hadn't even started pumping. I go over to figure out what is wrong and then go inside to sort it out. When I come out, he's sitting in his truck and said "come here" I walked over "I'm going to give it one more try. You've gotten me so hot, aren't you even a little bit hot? Doesn't the idea turn you on just a little bit? It would be a great story" hahaha "It already is a great story" "You can make it a little bit better". I again told him no and then he said "Well, do me one thing, go over to your car and pretend that you're getting into it and bend over just for me".
Oh dear God! Is he serious? I just laughed and walked away. I hope I didn't burst this guys ego but, it was very flattering to think that a total stranger thought I was attractive. Good luck to him with his odd approach is what I have to say.
I guess I'm exuding some level of confidence and sexiness because just a few minutes later another guy pulled up and started talking to me as well. This is all new to me and has never happened. I guess I need to learn how to respond to such encounters instead of laughing in their faces. Or perhaps it's just the heels I'm wearing today. Who knows.
Yesterday I was online chatting to a man that I've known for about 4 years. He told me that he was in town on leave and said "it would be more fun if I had your hot body on top of mine!" HAHAHA This made me laugh so hard and I had no idea how to respond but to laugh at him. This guy is so hot but one of those men that you would never be with because you would feel so inferior and self conscious. He wasn't impressed with my laughing at him and quickly logged off. Oh well.
Then, today, I was at the gas station for a quicky. Just $10 of gas. Should have been in and out of there in just a couple of minutes. But, NOOO...I got sidetracked.
As I'm getting out of the car a very attractive man pulled up into the space next to mine. He nodded in my direction and I nodded back. A minute or so later he asks me "What would you call this place?" I'm thinking to myself, 'a gas station'. But, I held my tongue and said "what do you mean?" Like, what part of town is it? "Oh, West Valley, Glendale area". "Where is Rose Park?" "Just down the road a little bit." "What about the Rose Park golf course?" "Just keep heading down Redwood Road and you'll see it on your right."
I
of course assumed the conversation was over. The gas station is not a social gathering spot. One goes to the gas station, fills up the car and leaves. Even when you see people you know you rarely sit and chat with them. It just seems odd.
But, I was wrong. He continued asking me questions, getting more personal; are you from around here? Did you grow up here? Do you like it here? Why are all the women so conservative here? What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done with a guy?
Hold on!! What? I don't know you, I don't know your name. There's probably no one who knows the most spontaneous thing I've done with a guy, that's none of your business. Again, just like the day before I just started laughing. I told hi jum that I don't know him and I'm not going to discuss it with him. He then asked me if I lived close by and said "Let's go over to your place and fool around."
WHAT?!?!? Are my ears playing tricks on me? Did a total stranger just ask me, at the gas station, to take him to my place and fuck him?!?!? I burst out laughing and told him no. "Come on, look at you, you're so hot! And look at those, are they real?" Again, laughter and I affirmed that they are indeed real. "Come on, you know it would be fun. It's been three weeks since I've had any and I'm dying and you are soooooo hot." hahaha
At this point I realize that there is no gas going into my car. It hadn't even started pumping. I go over to figure out what is wrong and then go inside to sort it out. When I come out, he's sitting in his truck and said "come here" I walked over "I'm going to give it one more try. You've gotten me so hot, aren't you even a little bit hot? Doesn't the idea turn you on just a little bit? It would be a great story" hahaha "It already is a great story" "You can make it a little bit better". I again told him no and then he said "Well, do me one thing, go over to your car and pretend that you're getting into it and bend over just for me".
Oh dear God! Is he serious? I just laughed and walked away. I hope I didn't burst this guys ego but, it was very flattering to think that a total stranger thought I was attractive. Good luck to him with his odd approach is what I have to say.
I guess I'm exuding some level of confidence and sexiness because just a few minutes later another guy pulled up and started talking to me as well. This is all new to me and has never happened. I guess I need to learn how to respond to such encounters instead of laughing in their faces. Or perhaps it's just the heels I'm wearing today. Who knows.
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