The kids and I went on a lovely hike up Millcreek Canyon today. We hiked up to Dog Lake and had a great time! This is a hike I had never done before but several people had said they’d done it recently so I thought we might give it a try.
When we got up to the trailhead we find that there are two trails that both lead up to Dog Lake. We take the one on the west side of the parking lot and start heading up. The trail was lovely and green the entire way and only had a gradual slope the whole way up, this allowed the kids to take their time…perhaps they took too much…
On the way up the kids talked about how they wish right now they had a hover car because they had never walked to much in their lives. They grumbled, they complained, they sang, they told stories, smiled, laughed, argued, cried; the works. We really had no idea how far the lake was but everyone had said it was about 1.5 miles up. This number, turned out to be not the case. We chose the longer, easier trail, 3.2 miles from the bottom to the top. Another 3.2 miles back down, not to mention the .5 plus miles from the car to the trial head.
My kids, needless to say, were exhausted. I don’t think they’ve ever walked that far in their entire lives – cumulative. For me, it was really a breeze. My biggest trouble with the hike was how sloooooow the kids took it. I felt like I was never quite able to get a momentum going, but I was able to take time and take some lovely pics of the surroundings and really enjoy just being.
At the top of the trail we took some time and just sat and chatted for a bit while watching all the many, many dogs playing in the water. The kids were sooo proud of themselves for making it! They kept saying how awesome they were and that they can now do anything. I love my kids!
Well, time came to head back down and we followed the trail, or so we thought. At one point Stasia and I looked at one another and said “This trail doesn’t look familiar at all.” But we decided that we would keep on going, I mean, hey, it’s a trail and it’s heading down, so it can’t be too bad, can it? Well this was a MUCH different trail. The terrain was much steeper, less shade and many more rocks…I think we each took our turn to slip and fall at least once. But, the other difference was that this must have been the trail everyone had talked about because it was only about 1.8 miles.
The kids said over and over that they were glad that we hadn’t taken this trail up, that they would have given up if they had, but were glad to be taking it down. Now, as I often do, I started to think about the trails and how they relate to my life.
Most of my life has been like the second trail. I’ve been presented with steep, rocky terrain and many obstacles. And I was always taught to just go “full steam ahead”. Life is full of bumps and bruises and it’s our responsibility to pick ourselves up and keep blazing ahead. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from taking this trail but I wonder if there hadn’t been another trail that I overlooked somewhere along the way that would have brought me to the same destination.
Part of the reason, I believe that the path I’ve been on has been strewn with rocks and obstacles is my need to be in control of every situation. I have to know what’s going on when, where, why, how, etc and if things don’t go the way that I planned then I would fight against what was there in order to mold it to what I thought I wanted. It’s that molding of life to my idea of what life should be that has caused all the obstacles.
Then, a few years back, life began to change and I realized that I couldn’t control it all. There were things out of my control, people who needed to make their own decisions and there I was lost. My life, as I had seen it and planned it, was upside down and inside out and there was nothing I could do to put it back into the mold I had created for it.
It was then that I realized that, perhaps, there was a different path for me to be on, a path that was, perhaps longer than the one I was on, but one whereon I could enjoy life. Where the slope was gradual, the lessons still there to be learnt but one on which I could be happy, where I could see and experience the beauty that is life. Life, which I had overlooked for so many years while I tried to shape it and mold it into what I thought it should be instead of enjoying it and letting it just happen.
While the divorce was devastating and heart breaking, the lessons learned over the last two years have been incredible and, I have been truly much more at peace and much more happy with myself and my life. Yes, I still sometimes lose sight of life and the joy that is around me. Yes, I, at times, fall into my old habits of forcing people and experiences into what I expect them to be rather than what is natural, but ultimately, what I have learned is to take time and enjoy the beauty around me that is my life.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Right of Way
This evening on the drive home from work I encountered a very unusual circumstance. I was on I-215 and cruising along at about 65 mph, windows down, radio turned up when suddenly from my peripheral vision I see a pigeon from the left flying toward my car. Birds always get out of the way, now, don’t they so I wasn’t too concerned until suddenly the collision occurred. In through my window flew the bird, wings flapping and panicking. I, of course, panicked as well, wouldn’t you? I ducked my head, closed my eyes and next thing I knew the bird had flown out the passenger window. As I looked in my rear view mirror I saw the bird begin to falter, and I think it had injured its wing. The whole ordeal only lasted a few seconds but it certainly left me a bit shaky.
I know what many of you are thinking…”What? You closed your eyes and ducked while driving 65 mph on the freeway?” Yes, I know, not entirely clever but the damn bird scared the bejeezus out of me and I bet you would have done the same thing too. But, once I had collected my wits, I asked myself if the incident could have been avoided. Should I have yielded the right of way to bird? If so, how would I have done that? Should I have slowed down? Slammed on the brakes, what would have been the result if I had done that? A much dangerous circumstance could have happened, you know Utah drivers, they love to tail gate and although I can’t guarantee it, chances were that someone was tail gating me. What would have happened to the person or people behind; something worse than what happened to the bird? So many what if’s.
And then I started thinking about life and the chance encounters we all have. And the choices we have to make in our lives, especially those wherein we have to decide whether to take the right of way or yield it to someone else.
Prior to getting married I had never had a boyfriend, not in high school, not in college, not after college (although I had fallen in love with someone unavailable…but that’s another story), hadn’t even dated the ex. We met online, in two different countries and our courtship was entirely online and over the phone. We met for two weeks in person during which time we became engaged and three months later we were married. I’ve been single now for about two years and still haven’t really dated anyone.
Sure, I’ve been on dates, many of you have been privy to my dating adventures; always first dates, never much more. Aside from that one where we became great friends and I, again, fell in love but even then we weren’t “dating” at least not in his mind.
So, I now have really no idea how to date someone. I don’t understand the natural progression of relationships, nor how to just let it be and develop. The rules of the road are so clear and understandable. We are all taught when first driving when to yield and when to take the right of way. But when it comes to dating there are no rules. There are no street signs shouting out to me “Alison, yield” or better yet, “Stop”. There are also none that say to me that I have the right of way and can just keep on going.
Dating is more like the bird incident this evening. You kind of have to see it coming from the corner of your eye and keep an eye on it with caution. Sometimes you have to duck your head and close your eyes and hope for the best and hope that everyone will come out safely and, in the end, happy. But you can never really know how it’s going to end up right at the beginning. Should you proceed with caution, in an attempt to save yourself from heartache or heart break? Or should you go full steam ahead, enjoy the ride and know that you’re having fun but risk the possible heartache?
I know what many of you are thinking…”What? You closed your eyes and ducked while driving 65 mph on the freeway?” Yes, I know, not entirely clever but the damn bird scared the bejeezus out of me and I bet you would have done the same thing too. But, once I had collected my wits, I asked myself if the incident could have been avoided. Should I have yielded the right of way to bird? If so, how would I have done that? Should I have slowed down? Slammed on the brakes, what would have been the result if I had done that? A much dangerous circumstance could have happened, you know Utah drivers, they love to tail gate and although I can’t guarantee it, chances were that someone was tail gating me. What would have happened to the person or people behind; something worse than what happened to the bird? So many what if’s.
And then I started thinking about life and the chance encounters we all have. And the choices we have to make in our lives, especially those wherein we have to decide whether to take the right of way or yield it to someone else.
Prior to getting married I had never had a boyfriend, not in high school, not in college, not after college (although I had fallen in love with someone unavailable…but that’s another story), hadn’t even dated the ex. We met online, in two different countries and our courtship was entirely online and over the phone. We met for two weeks in person during which time we became engaged and three months later we were married. I’ve been single now for about two years and still haven’t really dated anyone.
Sure, I’ve been on dates, many of you have been privy to my dating adventures; always first dates, never much more. Aside from that one where we became great friends and I, again, fell in love but even then we weren’t “dating” at least not in his mind.
So, I now have really no idea how to date someone. I don’t understand the natural progression of relationships, nor how to just let it be and develop. The rules of the road are so clear and understandable. We are all taught when first driving when to yield and when to take the right of way. But when it comes to dating there are no rules. There are no street signs shouting out to me “Alison, yield” or better yet, “Stop”. There are also none that say to me that I have the right of way and can just keep on going.
Dating is more like the bird incident this evening. You kind of have to see it coming from the corner of your eye and keep an eye on it with caution. Sometimes you have to duck your head and close your eyes and hope for the best and hope that everyone will come out safely and, in the end, happy. But you can never really know how it’s going to end up right at the beginning. Should you proceed with caution, in an attempt to save yourself from heartache or heart break? Or should you go full steam ahead, enjoy the ride and know that you’re having fun but risk the possible heartache?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Pity Party Must Come to An End
I'm a fun type of girl. I enjoy a good party now and then, but the most recent party I've been to has just not been my thing. It's been a lonely, ugly, sad, sad party and I think it's time the party comes to an abrupt halt.
For those of you who are long time readers of my writings, you'll know that this year I didn't set any New Years resolutions, I merely had a mantra. Let me refresh, "A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter." This year I was not going to forget what it is I want out of life and was not going to settle for anything less. Unfortunately, by doing so it's left me feeling a bit lonely.
Prior to my commitment to myself to not settle, I was dating on a fairly regular basis. In fact, several times a week I was going out. But the flow slowed and slowed and then finally I stopped the flow. All I was getting were real full on loser men. These men, it seemed, were interested in one thing and one thing only, that I settle for something I didn't want. Okay, not ALL of them, but most of them did. And for at least one of them I almost convinced myself it was okay to settle. It's not, by the way.
This slowing of the flow, along with my personal decision to just turn it all off left me, not settling, but also with a whole lot of extra time on my hands. The time was brilliant, at first. I was able to really think about who I am and what I want, what makes me happy, etc. As well as put a lot of focus into my career and my kids. But what it also left me with was a more obvious view of what I don't have in my life.
Like I've said before, I really have it all in my life, well, all except one thing, and that, perhaps is why so many of my blogs talk about this one thing. With the one hole in my life becoming more and more obvious I began to feel sorry for myself. And once that happens, there is no slow spiral down for me, no, this is like a fast, free fall plummet to the depths.
As my birthday approached I began to lose site of all the amazing things and people in my life and focus solely on what I don't have, what I haven't accomplished, and so when the big 35 hit I was pretty much at my lowest. I was right in the middle of the biggest pity party I've been to in a long time and there I was all alone in it. Sure, I was surrounded by people who love me, but I didn't want to be surrounded by them. All I wanted was to go home, crawl into bed, and be left alone (course it didn't help that mother nature was also visiting). But, isn't that the way pity party's go? The whole point of them is to be alone and those you didn't push away tend to run away fast because you're pretty much the bitch queen.
It was time to take a long look in the mirror. I had, within the course of about a week, morphed into a vile, ugly, mean woman. I recognized this woman too. I recognized her all too well...this was the woman I had become while I was married. The woman I vowed I would never become again. How had I allowed myself to become this person again? And, more importantly, how to I come to terms with the fact that although I had hidden this woman over the last two years, she is still a part of me and she and I need to reconcile our differences.
I so despise this woman that, over the past little while, I pretended she didn't exist. And now, as I sit here writing this, I realize there-in lies my problem. By not admitting that she is a part of who I am I don't recognize when she comes out and let her begin to take over my world. She is the "mean mommy" she's the bitchy wife, she's the resentful cow who, instead of facing the reasons I'm mean, bitchy and resentful, just allows all the meanness, bitchiness and resentfulness permeate her my every being.
So, apologies to those I've hurt, pushed away, and alienated over the last couple of weeks. You all mean the world to me and I have no desire to lose you from my lives. In fact, it's at these times that I need you even more. I need you to hold the mirror up to my face and ask me who I'm seeing. Ask me if this is the woman I want to rule my life. When you see the forced smile, and me holding back tears, don't let me lie to you and tell you that I'm just tired. Make me admit it to you so that I can admit it to myself.
Where to now though? I need to come to terms with that ugly woman in the mirror looking back at me. I need to recognize that she is a part of me, and a part of me that I can't hide from but come face to face with and look right in the eye and say "yes, I know you need your time in the sun. I'll let you come out, but only at the right time and under my terms." I much more enjoyed the Alison I've re-discovered over the last two years, the one who can smile at the drop of the dime, the one who finds joy and humor in most things in life.
And now I'm crying. Fabulous way to start my morning, huh? And yes, these are tears of pity for myself. And as soon as I admit that they are self-pitying tears they stop. Funny that, huh? No one wants others to feel pity for them. Least of all ourselves. So, with those dried up tears, the pity party is now officially over.
For those of you who are long time readers of my writings, you'll know that this year I didn't set any New Years resolutions, I merely had a mantra. Let me refresh, "A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter." This year I was not going to forget what it is I want out of life and was not going to settle for anything less. Unfortunately, by doing so it's left me feeling a bit lonely.
Prior to my commitment to myself to not settle, I was dating on a fairly regular basis. In fact, several times a week I was going out. But the flow slowed and slowed and then finally I stopped the flow. All I was getting were real full on loser men. These men, it seemed, were interested in one thing and one thing only, that I settle for something I didn't want. Okay, not ALL of them, but most of them did. And for at least one of them I almost convinced myself it was okay to settle. It's not, by the way.
This slowing of the flow, along with my personal decision to just turn it all off left me, not settling, but also with a whole lot of extra time on my hands. The time was brilliant, at first. I was able to really think about who I am and what I want, what makes me happy, etc. As well as put a lot of focus into my career and my kids. But what it also left me with was a more obvious view of what I don't have in my life.
Like I've said before, I really have it all in my life, well, all except one thing, and that, perhaps is why so many of my blogs talk about this one thing. With the one hole in my life becoming more and more obvious I began to feel sorry for myself. And once that happens, there is no slow spiral down for me, no, this is like a fast, free fall plummet to the depths.
As my birthday approached I began to lose site of all the amazing things and people in my life and focus solely on what I don't have, what I haven't accomplished, and so when the big 35 hit I was pretty much at my lowest. I was right in the middle of the biggest pity party I've been to in a long time and there I was all alone in it. Sure, I was surrounded by people who love me, but I didn't want to be surrounded by them. All I wanted was to go home, crawl into bed, and be left alone (course it didn't help that mother nature was also visiting). But, isn't that the way pity party's go? The whole point of them is to be alone and those you didn't push away tend to run away fast because you're pretty much the bitch queen.
It was time to take a long look in the mirror. I had, within the course of about a week, morphed into a vile, ugly, mean woman. I recognized this woman too. I recognized her all too well...this was the woman I had become while I was married. The woman I vowed I would never become again. How had I allowed myself to become this person again? And, more importantly, how to I come to terms with the fact that although I had hidden this woman over the last two years, she is still a part of me and she and I need to reconcile our differences.
I so despise this woman that, over the past little while, I pretended she didn't exist. And now, as I sit here writing this, I realize there-in lies my problem. By not admitting that she is a part of who I am I don't recognize when she comes out and let her begin to take over my world. She is the "mean mommy" she's the bitchy wife, she's the resentful cow who, instead of facing the reasons I'm mean, bitchy and resentful, just allows all the meanness, bitchiness and resentfulness permeate her my every being.
So, apologies to those I've hurt, pushed away, and alienated over the last couple of weeks. You all mean the world to me and I have no desire to lose you from my lives. In fact, it's at these times that I need you even more. I need you to hold the mirror up to my face and ask me who I'm seeing. Ask me if this is the woman I want to rule my life. When you see the forced smile, and me holding back tears, don't let me lie to you and tell you that I'm just tired. Make me admit it to you so that I can admit it to myself.
Where to now though? I need to come to terms with that ugly woman in the mirror looking back at me. I need to recognize that she is a part of me, and a part of me that I can't hide from but come face to face with and look right in the eye and say "yes, I know you need your time in the sun. I'll let you come out, but only at the right time and under my terms." I much more enjoyed the Alison I've re-discovered over the last two years, the one who can smile at the drop of the dime, the one who finds joy and humor in most things in life.
And now I'm crying. Fabulous way to start my morning, huh? And yes, these are tears of pity for myself. And as soon as I admit that they are self-pitying tears they stop. Funny that, huh? No one wants others to feel pity for them. Least of all ourselves. So, with those dried up tears, the pity party is now officially over.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Another Story in the Life of Alison --- May Not Be Suitable For all Viewing Audiences...
Some of this may be familiar to those of you who read Amy's blog the two of us had a nice rant today and she beat me to the punch on writing about it:
Saturday Night. All dressed up to go out dancing. My really good friend Amy and I head out to the club. We go for the music and to just let loose and dance. No expectations of meeting men but, of course, hoping we get noticed, but really, just there to dance. Going out and dancing is something Amy and I really enjoy doing, and do it quite regularly. Fun to get dressed up and fun to not have a care in the world when the music starts.
This particular Saturday we find a table next to three cowboys. We aren’t at a country-western club so they seem a bit out of place but they are all quite cute and we don’t mind having them at the table next to ours. In fact a couple of times we ask them to guard our table while we’re out dancing so no one takes our spot…tables are hard to come by you know.
Cowboys begin to relax a bit and start talking with us and we get all their names, although I can only remember one of them now. But that’s fine since it’s the one I can remember about whom I’m going to tell you right now. We’ll call this cowboy Brandon.
Brandon is a bit short for my taste but man, is he a cutie! And as my hand brushes against his arm I can feel that it’s ROCK solid! Hard as steel. I will now sound incredibly superficial – yummy! And then my hand brushes, accidentally of course (hehe) across his chest and once again, solid…YUMMMY (oops, I’m superficial again).
Brandon seemed like a nice guy, easy to talk to (well as easy as it can be in a club, right), was funny, and of course, as mentioned above, yummy! It is immediately obvious that he’s very much into Amy. However, he’s a nice guy so he buys us both drinks…I had already had my limit for the night so, although I accepted, I only took about one or two sips….he finished the rest off. Now, guys, women aren’t stupid. We can tell when you’re into our friends and when you aren’t into us. But, Brandon, being the ever nice guy that he is, still flirts with me as well. In fact, he suggests that Amy and I both go home with him, spend the night, and he would take us to breakfast in the morning.
NICE! The dream of most men to have two women spend the night, right? Well, having been in a marriage where the last four years of the relationship I played second fiddle to another woman, I had promised that I would NEVER again be the second choice. As I mentioned before, it was VERY obvious right away that Brandon was into Amy and not to me and although the flirting was fun, I’m not going home with a man who views me as being “second”. Plus, for those of you who knew me in the past and not now, yes, I have changed a lot from the person I once was, but not so much as to go home with a man I don’t know and just met an hour before in the club.
I thanked Brandon for the offer but turned him down saying “I’m really looking for more than that in a relationship right now.” Now Brandon was offended…”You don’t even know me, you don’t know what I want.” “You’re right, I don’t know you to make such a call, but it’s just not my style to go home with a stranger.” I did, however, continue to encourage him to work on Amy. She’s much less shy and reserved than I am and since she’s the one he was interested in, she’s the one that he would have a better chance with. I even coached him along a bit.
When Amy was called away to another table where some “boys” were interested in talking to her she went over and chatted for a while. Brandon said “see, she’s not interested in me.” I corrected him and advised that he walked over to that table, put his arm around her waist and whispered in her ear “I’m going to head to the mens room and then I’ll be ready to head out with you.” I promised him that if he had the balls to walk over to a table full of younger men and do that Amy would be well impressed. So, with a little encouragement, he did, and I was right…Amy was all over that.
After a few more dances Amy and Brandon left together and I went home. Texted Amy the next day. They had a great time, he was a super nice guy and yada yada yada…
Fastforward, if you will, to last night. I get a random text from an unknown number “what’s up” I respond…for those who don’t know, I just got a new phone and I don’t have all the numbers I used to have, so I respond just in case it’s one of the people whose number I have lost. Next text “When you gonna cum c me”. At this point I still don’t know who it is. My initial response is “never, since no one I know would spell come that way.” But, I resist and ask who it is. Reply “Brandon”.
Brandon? Cowboy Brandon? The one I met on Saturday night? The one who left the club with my wingman? The one who left the club and “yada, yada, yada’d” with one of my best friends? That Brandon? Now this is odd. He knows that we are friends. We were at the club together, we were telling him about each other…we obviously know each other very well…Surely he knows that I know that they…But then again, maybe he doesn’t get that, men are simple creatures, right?
We exchange one, maybe two more texts in which I ask if he had fun on Saturday night with Amy and his response was “it was alright”. Now let me get one thing straight here. I know Amy. I’ve known Amy for a long time. I’ve known men who have been with Amy and one thing I know for sure about Amy is that if a man is with Amy it’s NEVER just “alright” So, I think to myself, let the lying begin.
About this time I head for bed. I suspect that he is going to text me again and the last thing I want is to be just dozing off and to have my phone go off so, I turn off the sound and go to sleep. What a great night sleep I had! I found that when I sleep with an eye mask on I’m actually able to sleep sounder, but, I digress. I wake in the morning at 5ish to make my nightly trip to the bathroom and check my phone. Two missed messages. One at midnight and one at 4:30. I don’t check the messages. Just notice they are there and head back to sleep. Finally at 7 I wake up again for the day. I check again and one more missed message. 5:30.
So, I start checking them to see what they are and who they’re from. Brandon, Brandon, Brandon. All three are nearly identical in nature, all if and when I will “cum c me”. Does this guy ever sleep? So around 10:00 I ask him if he ever sleeps. His response? “I’m in bed now. U shud cum c me” the next several texts from him are similar in nature…
I know that you’re all bored at this point, and to be honest, so am I. So when he asks “do u want 2 cum c me?” I say “perhaps” and then call Amy to find out what the deal is. World to my male readers at this point…women do talk. We share stories, and experiences and don’t be fool enough to think that we won’t. Amy says that he’s been texting her all day too and it’s driving her nuts.
Okay, so this guy is now working us both. He tells her that he’s not at all interested in me, he just didn’t think she was interested in him so he was going to move on…oh dear! He tells me that she was just “alright”.
When I get off the phone with Amy, now, fully worked up and in total rant mode, there is another text from Brandon “what does that mean?” I think are you an idiot? Perhaps means maybe…look it up. But instead I say to him the best thing I have ever said to a man:
WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME. DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED
“Honestly, you already fucked my best friend. I don’t settle for second place and sloppy seconds aren’t my style. So with no more beating around the bush, I’m not interested.”
So, to my male friends out there take heed. Not all women will put up with your shit. Women will and do talk. The Dick Dial*(thanks Amy) is not cool…more annoying than the drunk dial, really. If the skinny friend turns you down, don’t move in on the fat friend. The fat girl isn’t stupid and any woman of worth, regardless of size, will not settle for being second choice.
To my women friends: Don’t settle for less. Don’t allow men to treat you like shit, even if it’s just in the early stages. Always put on your A game and expect the A game from him. If you get the C game, which is what most of us allow, then put your foot down. But, no matter what game your getting from him, YOU take the higher road, YOU put on your A game and YOU settle for nothing less than what you’re worth. Which, by the way, is everything.
Saturday Night. All dressed up to go out dancing. My really good friend Amy and I head out to the club. We go for the music and to just let loose and dance. No expectations of meeting men but, of course, hoping we get noticed, but really, just there to dance. Going out and dancing is something Amy and I really enjoy doing, and do it quite regularly. Fun to get dressed up and fun to not have a care in the world when the music starts.
This particular Saturday we find a table next to three cowboys. We aren’t at a country-western club so they seem a bit out of place but they are all quite cute and we don’t mind having them at the table next to ours. In fact a couple of times we ask them to guard our table while we’re out dancing so no one takes our spot…tables are hard to come by you know.
Cowboys begin to relax a bit and start talking with us and we get all their names, although I can only remember one of them now. But that’s fine since it’s the one I can remember about whom I’m going to tell you right now. We’ll call this cowboy Brandon.
Brandon is a bit short for my taste but man, is he a cutie! And as my hand brushes against his arm I can feel that it’s ROCK solid! Hard as steel. I will now sound incredibly superficial – yummy! And then my hand brushes, accidentally of course (hehe) across his chest and once again, solid…YUMMMY (oops, I’m superficial again).
Brandon seemed like a nice guy, easy to talk to (well as easy as it can be in a club, right), was funny, and of course, as mentioned above, yummy! It is immediately obvious that he’s very much into Amy. However, he’s a nice guy so he buys us both drinks…I had already had my limit for the night so, although I accepted, I only took about one or two sips….he finished the rest off. Now, guys, women aren’t stupid. We can tell when you’re into our friends and when you aren’t into us. But, Brandon, being the ever nice guy that he is, still flirts with me as well. In fact, he suggests that Amy and I both go home with him, spend the night, and he would take us to breakfast in the morning.
NICE! The dream of most men to have two women spend the night, right? Well, having been in a marriage where the last four years of the relationship I played second fiddle to another woman, I had promised that I would NEVER again be the second choice. As I mentioned before, it was VERY obvious right away that Brandon was into Amy and not to me and although the flirting was fun, I’m not going home with a man who views me as being “second”. Plus, for those of you who knew me in the past and not now, yes, I have changed a lot from the person I once was, but not so much as to go home with a man I don’t know and just met an hour before in the club.
I thanked Brandon for the offer but turned him down saying “I’m really looking for more than that in a relationship right now.” Now Brandon was offended…”You don’t even know me, you don’t know what I want.” “You’re right, I don’t know you to make such a call, but it’s just not my style to go home with a stranger.” I did, however, continue to encourage him to work on Amy. She’s much less shy and reserved than I am and since she’s the one he was interested in, she’s the one that he would have a better chance with. I even coached him along a bit.
When Amy was called away to another table where some “boys” were interested in talking to her she went over and chatted for a while. Brandon said “see, she’s not interested in me.” I corrected him and advised that he walked over to that table, put his arm around her waist and whispered in her ear “I’m going to head to the mens room and then I’ll be ready to head out with you.” I promised him that if he had the balls to walk over to a table full of younger men and do that Amy would be well impressed. So, with a little encouragement, he did, and I was right…Amy was all over that.
After a few more dances Amy and Brandon left together and I went home. Texted Amy the next day. They had a great time, he was a super nice guy and yada yada yada…
Fastforward, if you will, to last night. I get a random text from an unknown number “what’s up” I respond…for those who don’t know, I just got a new phone and I don’t have all the numbers I used to have, so I respond just in case it’s one of the people whose number I have lost. Next text “When you gonna cum c me”. At this point I still don’t know who it is. My initial response is “never, since no one I know would spell come that way.” But, I resist and ask who it is. Reply “Brandon”.
Brandon? Cowboy Brandon? The one I met on Saturday night? The one who left the club with my wingman? The one who left the club and “yada, yada, yada’d” with one of my best friends? That Brandon? Now this is odd. He knows that we are friends. We were at the club together, we were telling him about each other…we obviously know each other very well…Surely he knows that I know that they…But then again, maybe he doesn’t get that, men are simple creatures, right?
We exchange one, maybe two more texts in which I ask if he had fun on Saturday night with Amy and his response was “it was alright”. Now let me get one thing straight here. I know Amy. I’ve known Amy for a long time. I’ve known men who have been with Amy and one thing I know for sure about Amy is that if a man is with Amy it’s NEVER just “alright” So, I think to myself, let the lying begin.
About this time I head for bed. I suspect that he is going to text me again and the last thing I want is to be just dozing off and to have my phone go off so, I turn off the sound and go to sleep. What a great night sleep I had! I found that when I sleep with an eye mask on I’m actually able to sleep sounder, but, I digress. I wake in the morning at 5ish to make my nightly trip to the bathroom and check my phone. Two missed messages. One at midnight and one at 4:30. I don’t check the messages. Just notice they are there and head back to sleep. Finally at 7 I wake up again for the day. I check again and one more missed message. 5:30.
So, I start checking them to see what they are and who they’re from. Brandon, Brandon, Brandon. All three are nearly identical in nature, all if and when I will “cum c me”. Does this guy ever sleep? So around 10:00 I ask him if he ever sleeps. His response? “I’m in bed now. U shud cum c me” the next several texts from him are similar in nature…
I know that you’re all bored at this point, and to be honest, so am I. So when he asks “do u want 2 cum c me?” I say “perhaps” and then call Amy to find out what the deal is. World to my male readers at this point…women do talk. We share stories, and experiences and don’t be fool enough to think that we won’t. Amy says that he’s been texting her all day too and it’s driving her nuts.
Okay, so this guy is now working us both. He tells her that he’s not at all interested in me, he just didn’t think she was interested in him so he was going to move on…oh dear! He tells me that she was just “alright”.
When I get off the phone with Amy, now, fully worked up and in total rant mode, there is another text from Brandon “what does that mean?” I think are you an idiot? Perhaps means maybe…look it up. But instead I say to him the best thing I have ever said to a man:
WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME. DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED
“Honestly, you already fucked my best friend. I don’t settle for second place and sloppy seconds aren’t my style. So with no more beating around the bush, I’m not interested.”
So, to my male friends out there take heed. Not all women will put up with your shit. Women will and do talk. The Dick Dial*(thanks Amy) is not cool…more annoying than the drunk dial, really. If the skinny friend turns you down, don’t move in on the fat friend. The fat girl isn’t stupid and any woman of worth, regardless of size, will not settle for being second choice.
To my women friends: Don’t settle for less. Don’t allow men to treat you like shit, even if it’s just in the early stages. Always put on your A game and expect the A game from him. If you get the C game, which is what most of us allow, then put your foot down. But, no matter what game your getting from him, YOU take the higher road, YOU put on your A game and YOU settle for nothing less than what you’re worth. Which, by the way, is everything.
Mythbusters: Men are Simple Creatures
I’ve heard it said by men all over the world: “We’re not hard to understand. We’re simple creatures really. We’re just straightforward. Take me for face value. What you see is what you get” And I think these “truths” have been said so many times by so many sources that women have begun to believe that this truly is the case. We’ve believed the lies about their simplicity, perhaps to a fault.
When a man says “I had a good time tonight and I look forward to seeing you again,” we go back in our minds and repeat to ourselves “Men are not hard to understand, they’re simple creatures really. Straightforward. Just take them for face value. What I see is what I get.” So, we believe that they really did have a good time. They really do look forward to seeing us again. And yet, we don’t. We go back to our homes and expect that he’s going to call us. And he doesn’t. So, we make, perhaps, one phone call or send one text. This is an upbeat message about looking forward to seeing him again, or having had a good time or thanking him again for a good time, something along those lines. And then nothing again.
So then we’re told, or we tell ourselves, I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I shouldn’t have expected too much. But was it really me placing an expectation on him? Or was it me believing the myth about the simplicity of men? I didn’t ask if he had a good time. I didn’t ask if he wanted to see me again. Those bits of information for provided on a voluntary basis. So why am I the one who is frowned upon for getting my hopes up?
Men, if you are simple and straightforward creatures then why do you insist on saying things that are not straightforward. If you didn’t have a god time or don’t want to see me again then the straightforward comment is not “I had a good time and I look forward to seeing you again.” The simple, straightforward comment is “Let’s be honest, I really didn’t have a great time and I probably won’t be seeing you again. Good luck to you in the future.” THIS, my dear male friends, may be shocking for her to hear. She may be taken aback but, in the end it will save her hours of wonder. And if she’s ever so slightly psycho it will save you the many, many psycho crazy phone calls, texts, voice messages, etc. But, please keep in mind, not all of us are psycho. I will typically make one attempt at contacting the man. If I get no response I simply brush it off as him not being emotionally immature enough to say what he’s thinking. Oh well…not the type of person I want to spend a lot of time with anyway.
Now, I’ve mentioned this to many a man and the response I always get is: “I can’t say that to a girl. Then she’ll start asking a bunch of questions about why not and don’t I think she’s good enough for me and I’ll get dragged into a conversation I don’t want nor am I prepared to have.” I’ve heard this argument over and over and perhaps this is true with many girls. But not all. So I say to my women friends out there. If you want to know what a man is thinking o feeling then PLEASE don’t go psycho-bitch on you when he does! All you’re telling him is that you really don’t want to know the truth. You want to hear the right answer, not the truth.
For those of us who have children we’ve tried hard to teach our kids this lesson. Sometimes the truth hurts and the answer isn’t always yes. Deal with it. As women we need to take the same advice. If he tells you the truth and it’s not what you want to hear, deal with it.
Another level to the answer of “I can’t say that to a girl…” Well, perhaps you’re right. Perhaps you CAN’T say that to a girl. Try, however, saying it to a woman, maybe you’ll get a different reaction. In fact, try dating a woman, maybe you’ll get a different result than the one you’ve always gotten when you’ve dated girls.
I’ve been dating men between the ages of 30 and 50 and although they all SAY they want intelligent, honest women who don’t play the games, what they really want is a woman who will buy into the lie “I’m simple and straightforward. “
I know I’ve only talked about one area where this myth is inaccurate, but let’s be honest, no one has the time to keep reading my rant. Let me finish by saying:
Women: Don’t buy into the myth. Just like any stereo type, it may be the case that some men are simple and straightforward but just because he’s a man, doesn’t make it so.
Men: Either be simple and straightforward, like you claim, by telling the truth or stop claiming this to be the case.
When a man says “I had a good time tonight and I look forward to seeing you again,” we go back in our minds and repeat to ourselves “Men are not hard to understand, they’re simple creatures really. Straightforward. Just take them for face value. What I see is what I get.” So, we believe that they really did have a good time. They really do look forward to seeing us again. And yet, we don’t. We go back to our homes and expect that he’s going to call us. And he doesn’t. So, we make, perhaps, one phone call or send one text. This is an upbeat message about looking forward to seeing him again, or having had a good time or thanking him again for a good time, something along those lines. And then nothing again.
So then we’re told, or we tell ourselves, I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I shouldn’t have expected too much. But was it really me placing an expectation on him? Or was it me believing the myth about the simplicity of men? I didn’t ask if he had a good time. I didn’t ask if he wanted to see me again. Those bits of information for provided on a voluntary basis. So why am I the one who is frowned upon for getting my hopes up?
Men, if you are simple and straightforward creatures then why do you insist on saying things that are not straightforward. If you didn’t have a god time or don’t want to see me again then the straightforward comment is not “I had a good time and I look forward to seeing you again.” The simple, straightforward comment is “Let’s be honest, I really didn’t have a great time and I probably won’t be seeing you again. Good luck to you in the future.” THIS, my dear male friends, may be shocking for her to hear. She may be taken aback but, in the end it will save her hours of wonder. And if she’s ever so slightly psycho it will save you the many, many psycho crazy phone calls, texts, voice messages, etc. But, please keep in mind, not all of us are psycho. I will typically make one attempt at contacting the man. If I get no response I simply brush it off as him not being emotionally immature enough to say what he’s thinking. Oh well…not the type of person I want to spend a lot of time with anyway.
Now, I’ve mentioned this to many a man and the response I always get is: “I can’t say that to a girl. Then she’ll start asking a bunch of questions about why not and don’t I think she’s good enough for me and I’ll get dragged into a conversation I don’t want nor am I prepared to have.” I’ve heard this argument over and over and perhaps this is true with many girls. But not all. So I say to my women friends out there. If you want to know what a man is thinking o feeling then PLEASE don’t go psycho-bitch on you when he does! All you’re telling him is that you really don’t want to know the truth. You want to hear the right answer, not the truth.
For those of us who have children we’ve tried hard to teach our kids this lesson. Sometimes the truth hurts and the answer isn’t always yes. Deal with it. As women we need to take the same advice. If he tells you the truth and it’s not what you want to hear, deal with it.
Another level to the answer of “I can’t say that to a girl…” Well, perhaps you’re right. Perhaps you CAN’T say that to a girl. Try, however, saying it to a woman, maybe you’ll get a different reaction. In fact, try dating a woman, maybe you’ll get a different result than the one you’ve always gotten when you’ve dated girls.
I’ve been dating men between the ages of 30 and 50 and although they all SAY they want intelligent, honest women who don’t play the games, what they really want is a woman who will buy into the lie “I’m simple and straightforward. “
I know I’ve only talked about one area where this myth is inaccurate, but let’s be honest, no one has the time to keep reading my rant. Let me finish by saying:
Women: Don’t buy into the myth. Just like any stereo type, it may be the case that some men are simple and straightforward but just because he’s a man, doesn’t make it so.
Men: Either be simple and straightforward, like you claim, by telling the truth or stop claiming this to be the case.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Yesterday’s SL Tribune ran an article highlighting an affordable community that is being built in the downtown SL area. I posted this article earlier today on my page but here’s the link for those of you who missed it. http://www.sltrib.com/ci_12561289?IADID=Search-www.sltrib.com-www.sltrib.com I love the fact that someone has taken notice of the need for affordable housing in Salt Lake and are willing to take a risk and do something about it to help people. As I read the article I was impressed with the thought the developers have about those people in our society who work every day for less than $10 an hour, most with no health insurance provided by their companies (another tangent). Then I read the readers comments about the article and my blood pressure rose with anger that people are so shallow and closed minded about the reality of society.
Comments such as:
“This does sound like the Projects-type apts. are coming to SLC...sorry to see that - I suppose to be expected in growing populated cities...”
“Beware when you hear "affordable housing" folks... it only goes downhill from here on out...I'm sorry.”
“Why don't we work on the wage side! You know education etc... so that people are not making so little per year.”
So here is my rant: Affordable housing does not have to equal the projects. “The Projects” are what happens when the community looks at the people who live in affordable housing with little regard and respect. It’s about how we treat people. Are the people who work in jobs that pay $7 an hour less of a person? They make those wages because to raise them would mean raising the cost of the service they are providing you. What service are they providing you? Let’s explore.
Low-wage earners are typically in service related fields; food service, mercantile, janitorial, etc. Even if we educated the people who are currently working in these jobs so they could get other jobs these jobs STILL have to be done and someone else will come in and do them. So why not raise the pay for these individuals? Why don’t we force the employers to pay livable wages? These appear to be a very sound argument. Now I’m terrible at math and never took an economics class in my life but even I, in my very simple language can see that this argument is full of holes.
Wouldn’t it be fantastic if everyone earned a “livable wage”? What would that mean though? All those food service workers earning $7, for example, let’s pay them $12 an hour (still not livable but you get the idea). That’s an extra $5 per hour per employee. But let’s just look at one employee. Give her a raise of $5 per hour and multiply that by 8 hours for the day. That’s an extra $40 a day the employer has to come up with in profits, just for one person. Let’s say it’s a small business that employees say, 10 employees. Now the employer has to come up with an extra $400 a day. Where do you think that money comes from? It comes from YOU the customer by means of increasing what YOU pay for. Arguments are that you as a tax payer don’t want to pay for the housing? Well, either way you will pay, either as a tax payer or as a consumer. There is no way around it.
Why do we view poverty or people in poverty as a plague? Why are we so scared of those who live in poverty? Is it because we know that we could all be there one day? That each of us has the potential of losing it all somehow and being there and that fear drives us to look down on the issue as something that is “their fault” rather than an issue of our society as a whole? Having grown up in a family where, pretty much every year, our household income for our family size would have been considered impoverished. We had very little “extras” growing up and I know that more often than not my parents had to make critical choices about what would get paid and what wouldn’t. With attitudes that I read from readers today I’m surprised that I turned out as well as I did, according to their logic my family was poor because of uneducated, unmotivated parents and my sisters and I, should, logically, now be burdens on society and/or incarcerated.
Just recently, I was talking with a potential grantor and he brought up a low-income housing project and the issues surrounding that project now that it has been bought out and is no longer “low-income”. I stated that I had actually lived in those “projects” when I was in my early teens, that my family, in fact was the first family to move into those “projects”. He seemed shocked that someone like me had grown up in poverty and, at the end of the discussion said something along the lines of “Alison, can I congratulate you on being able to rise up and become so successful, despite your past”. Because my parents were poor I am supposed to now be a failure in life?
What is the point of my rant? Well, it goes back to a common theme found in some of my other rants. People are people and we should treat them that way. Look beyond their color, their income, their religion, their abilities or disabilities. Look past if we’re fat, or thin or bald or hairy and treat everyone as human beings. When we’re able to do this we’re able to see people as we see ourselves, that we all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have our good days and bad and we all have days when we should just wear a hat.
Comments such as:
“This does sound like the Projects-type apts. are coming to SLC...sorry to see that - I suppose to be expected in growing populated cities...”
“Beware when you hear "affordable housing" folks... it only goes downhill from here on out...I'm sorry.”
“Why don't we work on the wage side! You know education etc... so that people are not making so little per year.”
So here is my rant: Affordable housing does not have to equal the projects. “The Projects” are what happens when the community looks at the people who live in affordable housing with little regard and respect. It’s about how we treat people. Are the people who work in jobs that pay $7 an hour less of a person? They make those wages because to raise them would mean raising the cost of the service they are providing you. What service are they providing you? Let’s explore.
Low-wage earners are typically in service related fields; food service, mercantile, janitorial, etc. Even if we educated the people who are currently working in these jobs so they could get other jobs these jobs STILL have to be done and someone else will come in and do them. So why not raise the pay for these individuals? Why don’t we force the employers to pay livable wages? These appear to be a very sound argument. Now I’m terrible at math and never took an economics class in my life but even I, in my very simple language can see that this argument is full of holes.
Wouldn’t it be fantastic if everyone earned a “livable wage”? What would that mean though? All those food service workers earning $7, for example, let’s pay them $12 an hour (still not livable but you get the idea). That’s an extra $5 per hour per employee. But let’s just look at one employee. Give her a raise of $5 per hour and multiply that by 8 hours for the day. That’s an extra $40 a day the employer has to come up with in profits, just for one person. Let’s say it’s a small business that employees say, 10 employees. Now the employer has to come up with an extra $400 a day. Where do you think that money comes from? It comes from YOU the customer by means of increasing what YOU pay for. Arguments are that you as a tax payer don’t want to pay for the housing? Well, either way you will pay, either as a tax payer or as a consumer. There is no way around it.
Why do we view poverty or people in poverty as a plague? Why are we so scared of those who live in poverty? Is it because we know that we could all be there one day? That each of us has the potential of losing it all somehow and being there and that fear drives us to look down on the issue as something that is “their fault” rather than an issue of our society as a whole? Having grown up in a family where, pretty much every year, our household income for our family size would have been considered impoverished. We had very little “extras” growing up and I know that more often than not my parents had to make critical choices about what would get paid and what wouldn’t. With attitudes that I read from readers today I’m surprised that I turned out as well as I did, according to their logic my family was poor because of uneducated, unmotivated parents and my sisters and I, should, logically, now be burdens on society and/or incarcerated.
Just recently, I was talking with a potential grantor and he brought up a low-income housing project and the issues surrounding that project now that it has been bought out and is no longer “low-income”. I stated that I had actually lived in those “projects” when I was in my early teens, that my family, in fact was the first family to move into those “projects”. He seemed shocked that someone like me had grown up in poverty and, at the end of the discussion said something along the lines of “Alison, can I congratulate you on being able to rise up and become so successful, despite your past”. Because my parents were poor I am supposed to now be a failure in life?
What is the point of my rant? Well, it goes back to a common theme found in some of my other rants. People are people and we should treat them that way. Look beyond their color, their income, their religion, their abilities or disabilities. Look past if we’re fat, or thin or bald or hairy and treat everyone as human beings. When we’re able to do this we’re able to see people as we see ourselves, that we all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have our good days and bad and we all have days when we should just wear a hat.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch...
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch...
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
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