The Exception or the Rule?

The last few years has been flooded with first the book and then the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” (the book). The purpose: To help women understand the male psyche, especially women who are in the dating arena. You see, according to the if a man is “into you” he will go out of his way to make contact with you. He won’t wait for your call or text he’ll do all these amazing things that we all really want a man to do. He’ll take the initiative and pursue the relationship. Further, according to the book, this initiative will happen when and how you, as a woman, want/expect it to happen.

The book further explains that most women are “the rule”. Meaning, if a guy doesn’t call/text you back when you call/text him, that means he’s not into you. Sometimes, it means he’s busy, but typically, not the case, that’s the exception, not the rule. So now women all over the place are asking themselves, “am I the rule or the exception”? Women are striving to be the exception, they want to be the exception (and yes, I’m included in this). And yes, of course, I have a couple of issues with this.

First, why are we so comfortable accepting the book as truth? As women, we are given labels all the time, and most women I know, and with whom I associate, despise being labeled and categorized with all other women. And yet, we, and I see it every day, are so easy to label and categorize men. We’re somehow comfortable with making statements like “men never learn”, “men just don’t understand”, “all men just want sex, that’s it”, etc. I see and hear these types of statements nearly every day. When the tables are turned women hate it! “women are bad drivers”, “women don’t like sex”, “women aren’t as intelligent as men”, etc.

Why is it that we’re okay reading the book and feeling like we’ve just been handed the holy grail of understanding relationships. The book puts all men into the same category and says that all men will act and react identically. I’m not comfortable with this. I’ve never been comfortable with labeling and categorizing people.

Secondly, why is it that, because of the book, women feel the need to sit around and wait to be the exception? Most women I know are exceptional and, in their own right, the exception to many things. Why is it that we have to sit around and hope that some random man will meet us and think, “wow!” and that we have to sit around hoping that someone will find her exceptional? I think that’s a poor statement on dating women. Why is it that I can’t be the one to look for the exceptional man? Why do I have to settle for the person who finds me exceptional, even if it’s not someone I’m interested in, instead of going out and pursuing a man who is amazing?

We’ve all seen the fairy tales, we’ve all hoped for the fairy tales and I’m not going to deny that I haven’t as well. That you meet someone and you lock eyes and you feel “the spark” and the music starts playing and you just know…Yes, I know it’s BS and I know it doesn’t happen that way, but it doesn’t stop us all from wishing it would, right?

I guess my point is this, why is it that I, as a beautiful, confident (most of the time), secure, intelligent, amazing woman, can’t pursue the man that I want? Why do I have to sit and wait and hope to be the exception? Why, if a man doesn’t return my call instantaneously, should I just say “oh, well, I guess he’s just not that into me”? Why can’t I put in a little effort and show him that I’m interested in him and that he’s really getting an amazing deal if he decides he wants to pursue things further?

Furthermore, while I’m on this topic, why can’t I be the one to say “I’m just not that interested in you”. I say that far too often we, as women, find ourselves, knowing the fairy tale doesn’t exist but expecting it to anyway, without any effort on our part. And why should I just assume that he’s not interested in me if he doesn’t do things in the time frame and the way that I think he should?

What is wrong with me expecting that if a man isn’t that interested in me to actually SAY it? I’ve been in many “relationships” where the man “wasn’t that into me” and yet we continued to “date” regularly and talk and get along just fine. At least I was under the impression we were dating, but since he wasn’t into me, I guess we weren’t. So, according to the book, he was giving all the signs of interest and yet he wasn’t. What about those men, huh? And it took me saying “so, are you into me” or something along those lines. I hate asking that, I hate waiting for the response and I hate knowing that if I don’t ask, nothing is going to be said and we’ll just continue along on the same path, me falling more and more for a guy who is just “going with the flow”, but his flow and my flow are simply running parallel to one another, never crossing and never merging.

I say that women need to look for the man who is the exception and men need to just communicate what’s going on inside those minds of theirs. They don’t want to be mind readers for us, so don’t expect us to read your mind and know if you’re interested or not, just say it. Or maybe I should get over my issues of being the one to ask and just say it myself.

“I’m interested in pursuing something further. Are you?”