First Quarter Report

It’s the end of the first quarter of 2009 (not to be confused with the end of the second quarter of FY09). Personal mantra this year: “A loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter”. For those of you who read my original posting about this, you’ll recall that this was my mantra to help me remember what it is that I want and to not settle for anything less.

How am I doing at the end of the first quarter? Let me first start by saying that I have an amazing life! Really, I do. I have a job that I love, doing work that I love doing with a boss and co-workers whom I adore and who adore me in return. Mutual adoration is always nice.

I have three of the most amazing kids in the world. The amount of love that they show me every day is incredible and it’s hard to imagine that such little beings are able to have and show such a great amount of love. The progress they’ve made in the nearly three years they’ve been with Adrian and I is astounding and their resiliency is always impressive to me and those who see them. Not to mention that they are truly the most beautiful kids I’ve seen.

I have incredible, supportive friends, I tend to keep my circle of friends small, I always have but those in my circle I know I can count on whenever I need them. When I’m feeling particularly bitchy they’ll even go with me to warmer climes to escape everything for a day or two.

And of course, I can’t overlook my family. My mother is really an amazing woman who has seen her fair share of ups and downs in her life and she still will do whatever she can to support me and any of my four sisters. Yes, I do have four sisters. Granted, I am the most attractive of the four (haha) but they tolerate me none the less.

There is only one real gaping hole in my life and that is companionship. Prior to marrying Ado in 2000 I really did believe that I would be single the rest of my life. This is something that I just felt deep down, I couldn’t explain it, I just felt this way. As a girl I never got anything out of the conversations about planning your wedding, what the colors are going to be, etc. All of that seemed trivial to me. So, when I met and fell in love with Ado, believe you me, I was as shocked as the rest of you. Well, now, Ado is no longer a companion in my life. Sure, he still remains part of my life because of our kids, but he isn’t a companion.

My mantra for the year really did revolve around the whole relationship/companionship thing. If I do end up finding a companion for life, this time I want to do all that I can to ensure that it’s for real. One of my weaknesses (others have told me it’s a strength, I guess that’s all debatable) is that I fall in love very easily. My heart is capable of falling long before my head does and even then, it doesn’t take that long. Because of this I have to be on guard. A broken heart can heal but it does take time and while it’s in the healing process, it sure does hurt a hell of a lot. Because of this and because of the number of times my heart has been broken to one extent or another, I’ve begun to be cautious. Overly cautious, perhaps…but cautious, none-the-less.

My most recent heart break was right at the beginning of this year when one of my dearest and closest friends sent me an email explaining why it was we could no longer be friends. This, dear readers, was a severe set back for me. When a lover breaks your heart that is one thing, when a friend breaks your heart, that is something entirely different. For several weeks after this event I wanted nothing more than to have a man fall in love with me simply for the purpose that I could break his heart like mine had been broken. I know, pitiful and truly bitchy of me.

It was at this time that I recalled my mantra “A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter.” What is it that I want? Did I really, really want to get into a relationship based on a façade and under false pretense? Was it really within me to intentionally break the heart of another. No, that isn’t my style. That’s not who I am. However, during this time I went on several first dates. None of them went anywhere. Perhaps they were all reading the vibe I was sending out “I want to break your heart”. Really, not a very good vibe to send out to men.

Because of the never-ending line of first dates, and the ever elusive second date I opted, to take a break from dating. I was in a rut; the only men I was meeting were men online, and I was lowering my standards with everyone of them. My mantra for the year reminds me that I don’t want to be stuck in a rut and to not settle for anything less. Yes, I have joked around that all I’m really asking for in a man is that he wear a clean shirt but, I promise, I do have higher standards than that.

Oh, and I can’t overlook the other “relationship” that was going on during all this. I did meet a very nice, attractive, funny, fun to be around man on CraigsList just before Christmas. Sometime in February it was very clear to me that he really wasn’t interested in my for any type of relationship, however, we continued to “hang out” and act like we were in a relationship, except that we weren’t. Can we say Déjà vu ala 2008? I was not about to repeat 2008, that was a dreadfully painful experience the first time around, why repeat it. In fact, living through 2008 was the primary reason for my mantra. So, despite the fact that this man was funny, nice, attractive, etc, I had to distance myself. We had a chat one afternoon where I bluntly asked (and trust me, I can be blunt, perhaps to a fault) if he was in to me in any way besides friendship. And of course, my gut was right, he really wasn’t. I had to put some distance in that and we still remain very good friends and have a better understanding of what each other needs.

First quarter 2009 my mantra has served me well. It’s kept me out of painful situations and kept me thinking clearly about love. Does that mean the one and only hole in my life has been filled? I know, enquiring minds want to know…

That answer is, obviously, no. I still am missing a level of companionship in my life. A person whom I can call after work and debrief with. Someone with whom I can snuggle, cry, laugh and be myself. The person I can curl up next to in bed, even after a fight and when I put my cold feet on his warm ones, I know that everything will be alright and that he loves me despite my faults. But you know what, even though the tears are falling right now, I know that regardless of what happens in this arena, I’m going to be alright in life. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss it or be sad or feel lonely, but it does mean that I have a full life that will help me to fill the missing void until (or if) this missing piece if filled in by the correct piece.