The last few years has been flooded with first the book and then the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” (the book). The purpose: To help women understand the male psyche, especially women who are in the dating arena. You see, according to the if a man is “into you” he will go out of his way to make contact with you. He won’t wait for your call or text he’ll do all these amazing things that we all really want a man to do. He’ll take the initiative and pursue the relationship. Further, according to the book, this initiative will happen when and how you, as a woman, want/expect it to happen.
The book further explains that most women are “the rule”. Meaning, if a guy doesn’t call/text you back when you call/text him, that means he’s not into you. Sometimes, it means he’s busy, but typically, not the case, that’s the exception, not the rule. So now women all over the place are asking themselves, “am I the rule or the exception”? Women are striving to be the exception, they want to be the exception (and yes, I’m included in this). And yes, of course, I have a couple of issues with this.
First, why are we so comfortable accepting the book as truth? As women, we are given labels all the time, and most women I know, and with whom I associate, despise being labeled and categorized with all other women. And yet, we, and I see it every day, are so easy to label and categorize men. We’re somehow comfortable with making statements like “men never learn”, “men just don’t understand”, “all men just want sex, that’s it”, etc. I see and hear these types of statements nearly every day. When the tables are turned women hate it! “women are bad drivers”, “women don’t like sex”, “women aren’t as intelligent as men”, etc.
Why is it that we’re okay reading the book and feeling like we’ve just been handed the holy grail of understanding relationships. The book puts all men into the same category and says that all men will act and react identically. I’m not comfortable with this. I’ve never been comfortable with labeling and categorizing people.
Secondly, why is it that, because of the book, women feel the need to sit around and wait to be the exception? Most women I know are exceptional and, in their own right, the exception to many things. Why is it that we have to sit around and hope that some random man will meet us and think, “wow!” and that we have to sit around hoping that someone will find her exceptional? I think that’s a poor statement on dating women. Why is it that I can’t be the one to look for the exceptional man? Why do I have to settle for the person who finds me exceptional, even if it’s not someone I’m interested in, instead of going out and pursuing a man who is amazing?
We’ve all seen the fairy tales, we’ve all hoped for the fairy tales and I’m not going to deny that I haven’t as well. That you meet someone and you lock eyes and you feel “the spark” and the music starts playing and you just know…Yes, I know it’s BS and I know it doesn’t happen that way, but it doesn’t stop us all from wishing it would, right?
I guess my point is this, why is it that I, as a beautiful, confident (most of the time), secure, intelligent, amazing woman, can’t pursue the man that I want? Why do I have to sit and wait and hope to be the exception? Why, if a man doesn’t return my call instantaneously, should I just say “oh, well, I guess he’s just not that into me”? Why can’t I put in a little effort and show him that I’m interested in him and that he’s really getting an amazing deal if he decides he wants to pursue things further?
Furthermore, while I’m on this topic, why can’t I be the one to say “I’m just not that interested in you”. I say that far too often we, as women, find ourselves, knowing the fairy tale doesn’t exist but expecting it to anyway, without any effort on our part. And why should I just assume that he’s not interested in me if he doesn’t do things in the time frame and the way that I think he should?
What is wrong with me expecting that if a man isn’t that interested in me to actually SAY it? I’ve been in many “relationships” where the man “wasn’t that into me” and yet we continued to “date” regularly and talk and get along just fine. At least I was under the impression we were dating, but since he wasn’t into me, I guess we weren’t. So, according to the book, he was giving all the signs of interest and yet he wasn’t. What about those men, huh? And it took me saying “so, are you into me” or something along those lines. I hate asking that, I hate waiting for the response and I hate knowing that if I don’t ask, nothing is going to be said and we’ll just continue along on the same path, me falling more and more for a guy who is just “going with the flow”, but his flow and my flow are simply running parallel to one another, never crossing and never merging.
I say that women need to look for the man who is the exception and men need to just communicate what’s going on inside those minds of theirs. They don’t want to be mind readers for us, so don’t expect us to read your mind and know if you’re interested or not, just say it. Or maybe I should get over my issues of being the one to ask and just say it myself.
“I’m interested in pursuing something further. Are you?”
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Take Time to Enjoy the Scenery
The kids and I went on a lovely hike up Millcreek Canyon today. We hiked up to Dog Lake and had a great time! This is a hike I had never done before but several people had said they’d done it recently so I thought we might give it a try.
When we got up to the trailhead we find that there are two trails that both lead up to Dog Lake. We take the one on the west side of the parking lot and start heading up. The trail was lovely and green the entire way and only had a gradual slope the whole way up, this allowed the kids to take their time…perhaps they took too much…
On the way up the kids talked about how they wish right now they had a hover car because they had never walked to much in their lives. They grumbled, they complained, they sang, they told stories, smiled, laughed, argued, cried; the works. We really had no idea how far the lake was but everyone had said it was about 1.5 miles up. This number, turned out to be not the case. We chose the longer, easier trail, 3.2 miles from the bottom to the top. Another 3.2 miles back down, not to mention the .5 plus miles from the car to the trial head.
My kids, needless to say, were exhausted. I don’t think they’ve ever walked that far in their entire lives – cumulative. For me, it was really a breeze. My biggest trouble with the hike was how sloooooow the kids took it. I felt like I was never quite able to get a momentum going, but I was able to take time and take some lovely pics of the surroundings and really enjoy just being.
At the top of the trail we took some time and just sat and chatted for a bit while watching all the many, many dogs playing in the water. The kids were sooo proud of themselves for making it! They kept saying how awesome they were and that they can now do anything. I love my kids!
Well, time came to head back down and we followed the trail, or so we thought. At one point Stasia and I looked at one another and said “This trail doesn’t look familiar at all.” But we decided that we would keep on going, I mean, hey, it’s a trail and it’s heading down, so it can’t be too bad, can it? Well this was a MUCH different trail. The terrain was much steeper, less shade and many more rocks…I think we each took our turn to slip and fall at least once. But, the other difference was that this must have been the trail everyone had talked about because it was only about 1.8 miles.
The kids said over and over that they were glad that we hadn’t taken this trail up, that they would have given up if they had, but were glad to be taking it down. Now, as I often do, I started to think about the trails and how they relate to my life.
Most of my life has been like the second trail. I’ve been presented with steep, rocky terrain and many obstacles. And I was always taught to just go “full steam ahead”. Life is full of bumps and bruises and it’s our responsibility to pick ourselves up and keep blazing ahead. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from taking this trail but I wonder if there hadn’t been another trail that I overlooked somewhere along the way that would have brought me to the same destination.
Part of the reason, I believe that the path I’ve been on has been strewn with rocks and obstacles is my need to be in control of every situation. I have to know what’s going on when, where, why, how, etc and if things don’t go the way that I planned then I would fight against what was there in order to mold it to what I thought I wanted. It’s that molding of life to my idea of what life should be that has caused all the obstacles.
Then, a few years back, life began to change and I realized that I couldn’t control it all. There were things out of my control, people who needed to make their own decisions and there I was lost. My life, as I had seen it and planned it, was upside down and inside out and there was nothing I could do to put it back into the mold I had created for it.
It was then that I realized that, perhaps, there was a different path for me to be on, a path that was, perhaps longer than the one I was on, but one whereon I could enjoy life. Where the slope was gradual, the lessons still there to be learnt but one on which I could be happy, where I could see and experience the beauty that is life. Life, which I had overlooked for so many years while I tried to shape it and mold it into what I thought it should be instead of enjoying it and letting it just happen.
While the divorce was devastating and heart breaking, the lessons learned over the last two years have been incredible and, I have been truly much more at peace and much more happy with myself and my life. Yes, I still sometimes lose sight of life and the joy that is around me. Yes, I, at times, fall into my old habits of forcing people and experiences into what I expect them to be rather than what is natural, but ultimately, what I have learned is to take time and enjoy the beauty around me that is my life.
When we got up to the trailhead we find that there are two trails that both lead up to Dog Lake. We take the one on the west side of the parking lot and start heading up. The trail was lovely and green the entire way and only had a gradual slope the whole way up, this allowed the kids to take their time…perhaps they took too much…
On the way up the kids talked about how they wish right now they had a hover car because they had never walked to much in their lives. They grumbled, they complained, they sang, they told stories, smiled, laughed, argued, cried; the works. We really had no idea how far the lake was but everyone had said it was about 1.5 miles up. This number, turned out to be not the case. We chose the longer, easier trail, 3.2 miles from the bottom to the top. Another 3.2 miles back down, not to mention the .5 plus miles from the car to the trial head.
My kids, needless to say, were exhausted. I don’t think they’ve ever walked that far in their entire lives – cumulative. For me, it was really a breeze. My biggest trouble with the hike was how sloooooow the kids took it. I felt like I was never quite able to get a momentum going, but I was able to take time and take some lovely pics of the surroundings and really enjoy just being.
At the top of the trail we took some time and just sat and chatted for a bit while watching all the many, many dogs playing in the water. The kids were sooo proud of themselves for making it! They kept saying how awesome they were and that they can now do anything. I love my kids!
Well, time came to head back down and we followed the trail, or so we thought. At one point Stasia and I looked at one another and said “This trail doesn’t look familiar at all.” But we decided that we would keep on going, I mean, hey, it’s a trail and it’s heading down, so it can’t be too bad, can it? Well this was a MUCH different trail. The terrain was much steeper, less shade and many more rocks…I think we each took our turn to slip and fall at least once. But, the other difference was that this must have been the trail everyone had talked about because it was only about 1.8 miles.
The kids said over and over that they were glad that we hadn’t taken this trail up, that they would have given up if they had, but were glad to be taking it down. Now, as I often do, I started to think about the trails and how they relate to my life.
Most of my life has been like the second trail. I’ve been presented with steep, rocky terrain and many obstacles. And I was always taught to just go “full steam ahead”. Life is full of bumps and bruises and it’s our responsibility to pick ourselves up and keep blazing ahead. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from taking this trail but I wonder if there hadn’t been another trail that I overlooked somewhere along the way that would have brought me to the same destination.
Part of the reason, I believe that the path I’ve been on has been strewn with rocks and obstacles is my need to be in control of every situation. I have to know what’s going on when, where, why, how, etc and if things don’t go the way that I planned then I would fight against what was there in order to mold it to what I thought I wanted. It’s that molding of life to my idea of what life should be that has caused all the obstacles.
Then, a few years back, life began to change and I realized that I couldn’t control it all. There were things out of my control, people who needed to make their own decisions and there I was lost. My life, as I had seen it and planned it, was upside down and inside out and there was nothing I could do to put it back into the mold I had created for it.
It was then that I realized that, perhaps, there was a different path for me to be on, a path that was, perhaps longer than the one I was on, but one whereon I could enjoy life. Where the slope was gradual, the lessons still there to be learnt but one on which I could be happy, where I could see and experience the beauty that is life. Life, which I had overlooked for so many years while I tried to shape it and mold it into what I thought it should be instead of enjoying it and letting it just happen.
While the divorce was devastating and heart breaking, the lessons learned over the last two years have been incredible and, I have been truly much more at peace and much more happy with myself and my life. Yes, I still sometimes lose sight of life and the joy that is around me. Yes, I, at times, fall into my old habits of forcing people and experiences into what I expect them to be rather than what is natural, but ultimately, what I have learned is to take time and enjoy the beauty around me that is my life.
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