It’s the end of the first quarter of 2009 (not to be confused with the end of the second quarter of FY09). Personal mantra this year: “A loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter”. For those of you who read my original posting about this, you’ll recall that this was my mantra to help me remember what it is that I want and to not settle for anything less.
How am I doing at the end of the first quarter? Let me first start by saying that I have an amazing life! Really, I do. I have a job that I love, doing work that I love doing with a boss and co-workers whom I adore and who adore me in return. Mutual adoration is always nice.
I have three of the most amazing kids in the world. The amount of love that they show me every day is incredible and it’s hard to imagine that such little beings are able to have and show such a great amount of love. The progress they’ve made in the nearly three years they’ve been with Adrian and I is astounding and their resiliency is always impressive to me and those who see them. Not to mention that they are truly the most beautiful kids I’ve seen.
I have incredible, supportive friends, I tend to keep my circle of friends small, I always have but those in my circle I know I can count on whenever I need them. When I’m feeling particularly bitchy they’ll even go with me to warmer climes to escape everything for a day or two.
And of course, I can’t overlook my family. My mother is really an amazing woman who has seen her fair share of ups and downs in her life and she still will do whatever she can to support me and any of my four sisters. Yes, I do have four sisters. Granted, I am the most attractive of the four (haha) but they tolerate me none the less.
There is only one real gaping hole in my life and that is companionship. Prior to marrying Ado in 2000 I really did believe that I would be single the rest of my life. This is something that I just felt deep down, I couldn’t explain it, I just felt this way. As a girl I never got anything out of the conversations about planning your wedding, what the colors are going to be, etc. All of that seemed trivial to me. So, when I met and fell in love with Ado, believe you me, I was as shocked as the rest of you. Well, now, Ado is no longer a companion in my life. Sure, he still remains part of my life because of our kids, but he isn’t a companion.
My mantra for the year really did revolve around the whole relationship/companionship thing. If I do end up finding a companion for life, this time I want to do all that I can to ensure that it’s for real. One of my weaknesses (others have told me it’s a strength, I guess that’s all debatable) is that I fall in love very easily. My heart is capable of falling long before my head does and even then, it doesn’t take that long. Because of this I have to be on guard. A broken heart can heal but it does take time and while it’s in the healing process, it sure does hurt a hell of a lot. Because of this and because of the number of times my heart has been broken to one extent or another, I’ve begun to be cautious. Overly cautious, perhaps…but cautious, none-the-less.
My most recent heart break was right at the beginning of this year when one of my dearest and closest friends sent me an email explaining why it was we could no longer be friends. This, dear readers, was a severe set back for me. When a lover breaks your heart that is one thing, when a friend breaks your heart, that is something entirely different. For several weeks after this event I wanted nothing more than to have a man fall in love with me simply for the purpose that I could break his heart like mine had been broken. I know, pitiful and truly bitchy of me.
It was at this time that I recalled my mantra “A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter.” What is it that I want? Did I really, really want to get into a relationship based on a façade and under false pretense? Was it really within me to intentionally break the heart of another. No, that isn’t my style. That’s not who I am. However, during this time I went on several first dates. None of them went anywhere. Perhaps they were all reading the vibe I was sending out “I want to break your heart”. Really, not a very good vibe to send out to men.
Because of the never-ending line of first dates, and the ever elusive second date I opted, to take a break from dating. I was in a rut; the only men I was meeting were men online, and I was lowering my standards with everyone of them. My mantra for the year reminds me that I don’t want to be stuck in a rut and to not settle for anything less. Yes, I have joked around that all I’m really asking for in a man is that he wear a clean shirt but, I promise, I do have higher standards than that.
Oh, and I can’t overlook the other “relationship” that was going on during all this. I did meet a very nice, attractive, funny, fun to be around man on CraigsList just before Christmas. Sometime in February it was very clear to me that he really wasn’t interested in my for any type of relationship, however, we continued to “hang out” and act like we were in a relationship, except that we weren’t. Can we say Déjà vu ala 2008? I was not about to repeat 2008, that was a dreadfully painful experience the first time around, why repeat it. In fact, living through 2008 was the primary reason for my mantra. So, despite the fact that this man was funny, nice, attractive, etc, I had to distance myself. We had a chat one afternoon where I bluntly asked (and trust me, I can be blunt, perhaps to a fault) if he was in to me in any way besides friendship. And of course, my gut was right, he really wasn’t. I had to put some distance in that and we still remain very good friends and have a better understanding of what each other needs.
First quarter 2009 my mantra has served me well. It’s kept me out of painful situations and kept me thinking clearly about love. Does that mean the one and only hole in my life has been filled? I know, enquiring minds want to know…
That answer is, obviously, no. I still am missing a level of companionship in my life. A person whom I can call after work and debrief with. Someone with whom I can snuggle, cry, laugh and be myself. The person I can curl up next to in bed, even after a fight and when I put my cold feet on his warm ones, I know that everything will be alright and that he loves me despite my faults. But you know what, even though the tears are falling right now, I know that regardless of what happens in this arena, I’m going to be alright in life. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss it or be sad or feel lonely, but it does mean that I have a full life that will help me to fill the missing void until (or if) this missing piece if filled in by the correct piece.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Only in Utah!
Okay, so as most of you know, I decided a while ago to give up with the whole dating charade for a bit. It’s all so frustrating. So I’ve been going along rather nicely not worrying about it…sort of. And then tonight, I get another chapter in being single in Utah. This one is truly a totally weird experience.
It was my night with the kids tonight and I decided to take them to Mc Donalds. Cheap food and the kids can play for a while. So, I’m sitting there, minding my own business when this big family: mom, dad and five kids come in and sit down next to us, the dad sitting in the spot closest to me.
He starts chatting with me, something easy at first; “It’s easier than cooking, huh?” I respond, not sure what I said, and he just keeps talking…for about an hour. He told me all about how he and his wife had adopted 4 kids 5 years ago, and I mentioned that I understand. He asked me what I do for a living, asked me if I was single…etc.
Some time in there he extends his hand and introduces himself and his wife as well. I introduce myself. Then he says “maybe we can exchange numbers and hook up sometime”
WHAT? Did this guy just ask me for my number? Are you kidding me? I kind of laugh and say, sure.
Conversation continues for a while. Don’t remember what we were talking about but I was trying to fade out of the conversation by talking more with my kids, playing around with them, etc.
He and his family get up and leave and I’m pretty sure I’m safe when he comes back and says, “so, did you want to exchange numbers? You know, we can get together sometime.” He gives me a cad with his number on it and I told him I didn’t have my card or anything to write on or with. So, he runs out after his wife and asks her for a paper and pen and comes back. My kids start shouting out my phone number so I can’t give him a fake one and then that’s it.
Only in Utah can a woman be asked for her phone number by a married man in the presence of his wife…
It was my night with the kids tonight and I decided to take them to Mc Donalds. Cheap food and the kids can play for a while. So, I’m sitting there, minding my own business when this big family: mom, dad and five kids come in and sit down next to us, the dad sitting in the spot closest to me.
He starts chatting with me, something easy at first; “It’s easier than cooking, huh?” I respond, not sure what I said, and he just keeps talking…for about an hour. He told me all about how he and his wife had adopted 4 kids 5 years ago, and I mentioned that I understand. He asked me what I do for a living, asked me if I was single…etc.
Some time in there he extends his hand and introduces himself and his wife as well. I introduce myself. Then he says “maybe we can exchange numbers and hook up sometime”
WHAT? Did this guy just ask me for my number? Are you kidding me? I kind of laugh and say, sure.
Conversation continues for a while. Don’t remember what we were talking about but I was trying to fade out of the conversation by talking more with my kids, playing around with them, etc.
He and his family get up and leave and I’m pretty sure I’m safe when he comes back and says, “so, did you want to exchange numbers? You know, we can get together sometime.” He gives me a cad with his number on it and I told him I didn’t have my card or anything to write on or with. So, he runs out after his wife and asks her for a paper and pen and comes back. My kids start shouting out my phone number so I can’t give him a fake one and then that’s it.
Only in Utah can a woman be asked for her phone number by a married man in the presence of his wife…
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Can't we all Just Get Along?"
Thomas S. Monson – April 2008
“I would encourage members of the Church wherever they may be to show kindness and respect for all people everywhere. The world in which we live is filled with diversity. We can and should demonstrate respect toward those whose beliefs differ from ours.May we also demonstrate kindness and love within our own families.”
Kindness: Kindness is a quality that is mentioned on a number of occasions in the New Testament. If I were to define kindness, I would say this: a kind person is helpful, pleasant and considerate. That sums it up quite well, doesn't it? But the only problem with that definition, is that it is in English! And sometimes the English language can be a bit vague. And so, because kindness is a New Testament word, I am going to look at some Greek words for "kindness". And in fact, when you do look at the Greek, you begin to see that there is more to the quality of kindness than you would think. Because the Greek definition of kindness has something more to say about the way God operates.
But first of all, I am going to read a scripture that tells us something about love:
1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love suffers long and is kind."
"Love" in that scripture is agape in the Greek. And agape means more than just an emotion; it is the love of God: which means it always acts in the interests of others. In fact, God is agape love. And, as it says in that scripture, agape love is kind. And that is from the Greek verb chresteuomai, which means "to be kind". It is just one of a group of words in the New Testament, which are all connected with kindness. So, that one sentence alone says something about how God operates. Because He operates in love, which is kind.
But when you look at the basic meaning of "to be kind" in the Greek, you find that it means to be profitable, or useful, or to furnish a need. And when the reference is to people, what it means, is doing what is profitable for them.
So what it boils down to is this: to act out of kindness means that you identify what the person's needs are, and then you do what is necessary to meet those needs. And we find out that is exactly how Jesus operates.
Respect:
Respect is simply an accepting of what another does as good, or at least not bad relative to ones own ideas, beliefs, and prejudices. Self respect is the same.... that is, one respects oneself when one is experiencing oneself not in conflict with ones beliefs regarding what is good and proper.
Love:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca - age 8
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." - Nikka - age 6
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age 4
Does it really matter if we don't think, feel and believe the same way? We're all just people after all, right? Love to you all!
“I would encourage members of the Church wherever they may be to show kindness and respect for all people everywhere. The world in which we live is filled with diversity. We can and should demonstrate respect toward those whose beliefs differ from ours.May we also demonstrate kindness and love within our own families.”
Kindness: Kindness is a quality that is mentioned on a number of occasions in the New Testament. If I were to define kindness, I would say this: a kind person is helpful, pleasant and considerate. That sums it up quite well, doesn't it? But the only problem with that definition, is that it is in English! And sometimes the English language can be a bit vague. And so, because kindness is a New Testament word, I am going to look at some Greek words for "kindness". And in fact, when you do look at the Greek, you begin to see that there is more to the quality of kindness than you would think. Because the Greek definition of kindness has something more to say about the way God operates.
But first of all, I am going to read a scripture that tells us something about love:
1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love suffers long and is kind."
"Love" in that scripture is agape in the Greek. And agape means more than just an emotion; it is the love of God: which means it always acts in the interests of others. In fact, God is agape love. And, as it says in that scripture, agape love is kind. And that is from the Greek verb chresteuomai, which means "to be kind". It is just one of a group of words in the New Testament, which are all connected with kindness. So, that one sentence alone says something about how God operates. Because He operates in love, which is kind.
But when you look at the basic meaning of "to be kind" in the Greek, you find that it means to be profitable, or useful, or to furnish a need. And when the reference is to people, what it means, is doing what is profitable for them.
So what it boils down to is this: to act out of kindness means that you identify what the person's needs are, and then you do what is necessary to meet those needs. And we find out that is exactly how Jesus operates.
Respect:
Respect is simply an accepting of what another does as good, or at least not bad relative to ones own ideas, beliefs, and prejudices. Self respect is the same.... that is, one respects oneself when one is experiencing oneself not in conflict with ones beliefs regarding what is good and proper.
Love:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca - age 8
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." - Nikka - age 6
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age 4
Does it really matter if we don't think, feel and believe the same way? We're all just people after all, right? Love to you all!
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