These are not my thoughts but things I've been thinking about for a few days.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

The Tricky part is when you think someone is there for a lifetime and they're really there for one of the other reasons.

Crazy Dream

So I had the craziest dream last night about my kids and I have no idea what it's supposed to mean or what inner fears I'm having about the kids but, here it goes.

In my dream we were at one of the many homes that we lived in as children. It's the house which, for some reason, I have most of my dreams about although I don't think we lived there very long. It's a little three story place on a small hill (as a child I thought the hill was HUGE) and in front there was a very big tree. When entering the front door the kitchen was to your right and the living room to your left. There was an opening between each of these rooms on both end and at the far end was a set of stairs. Up the stairs were three bedrooms and a bathroom. From the kitchen there was a door leading out to the carport as well as a set of stair going down to the basement. The basement had a large family room and bedroom. This bedroom was usually my parent's room. The kids usually slept upstairs. Now, my description of the house may not be entirely accurate but what is important is this is how the house always appears in my dreams.

In this particular dream there was a large crowd of people assembled at the house. Mostly all were adults. There was also a man dressed as a judge, wearing the whole black robe thing. There was some sort of hearing or determination going on in the basement and most of the people were congregated down there.

The purpose of the gathering was to determine who would be more fit to be parents to my children than Ado and I. There were many people there and apparently my kids were in high demand. There were couples there from all walks of life; racially diverse, socially diverse, religiously diverse, economically diverse, etc.

I was sitting on the front lawn underneath the tree and was very distressed. I couldn't believe this was happening and that someone thought that for SOME reason I was an unfit mother. As I was sitting, distressed, on the front lawn a very attractive man whom I knew (although I really don't know who this man was) approached me and asked what was going on and why I was crying. I began to tell him about the day and why everyone was here. The telling of the story brought more tears to me and I began sobbing. This man, with incredibly blue eyes, leaned in to kiss me, in an attempt to calm me down. I was appalled that he would think such an action was appropriate or that it would help me in any way. I quickly withdrew and slapped him across the face. He tried again and I again slapped him and told him off.

At this point some strange things happened. I walked in the front door to the house (which in itself is unusual because we always used the carport door as children) and saw a young couple having sex on the floor. I shouted at them and they both jumped up and pulled on their pants. "How dare you have sex in MY house and on MY floor. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Leave now. Leave!" They tried to protest my kicking them out but I wasn't going to hear of it and they eventually left.

I knew that I had to do something to save my kids to ensure that they stay with Me and Ado, even though we are no longer together. I knew in my heart that we were better parents apart than any of the people there were together. At one point I said to someone "I may not have pushed them out but they are still MY kids. I taught them what they know, I've cared for them and provided for them! They are, in all intents and purposes mine!" I got the feeling that for some reason they couldn't be with Ado AND me. That they had to be with a two parent family and this is why the whole proceedings were happening. Since Ado has no biological connection to him he had to fight for them just as much as everyone else did. Although they are biologically connected to me I was unfit simply because I was a single parent.

I felt lost and confused and all alone. I couldn't find Ado and was frustrated that he wasn't there fighting for the kids. I had seen him there earlier in the day but he hadn't shown up yet after the lunch break. I was beginning to panic. They had to be with me or Ado. I had no family there to support my cause and I was looking all over for Todd who was some how lost in the crowd. I also knew, somehow that he was there but I just couldn't find him.

I went down into the basement to look for the judge. I had to plead my case! The judge was no where to be found, just people looking at me and judging me for being a single parent and thinking how awful I am for trying to raise them in such an environment.

I pled my case to anyone that would listen. Crying intermittently. Sobbing every so often. I am their aunt. I love them, I can provide for them and they should be with me or Ado before they're placed with some total strangers. They love us, they respect us, they feel protected around us, they know they can count on us. Finally I was told that the judge was meeting individually with each of the candidates to review their financial ability to support the children. I knew that my income was much lower than many of the people there but that it was also sufficient to provide for my kids. I had to find the judge. I went upstairs and he was coming in the carport door. I was introduced to him by Todd and he was very polite to me, except that when I told him who I was and why I was there he brushed me off, moving quickly down the stairs.

I followed him telling him that I had the right to voice my opinion, that I had the right to be considered, just like everyone else. He just wasn't listening to me or what I had to say. Then I saw Ado come in and was so grateful. I told him he had to go discuss his finances with the judge. I told him that they won't even consider me and it's up to him now to save our kids from spending the rest of their lives with total strangers.

I again began to cry and at this point my alarm went off and Loni stirred next to me in bed. I turned off the alarm, rolled over and wrapped my arms around my little man so thankful that he was there and he was safe. I felt happy and content and pleased to have my children with me for the week. I fell back asleep and didn't care if I was going to be late for work. My family was safe and there was nothing to worry about.

Why Do We Wait?

Life is all about waiting, wait in line at the grocery store, wait in line to see a movie or go to a concert, wait for our food to cook, water to boil, boss to give you a raise. We wait to grow up, to go to school for the first time, to drive, to graduate, go to college, graduate, get a job. We wait to fall in love, we wait for others to fall in love with us.

Our whole life is full of waiting on someone or something else. As children we heard all the time, just wait and you'll find out, wait for your sister, she can't run as fast as you can. As a parent I tell my kids to have patience, just wait. In church we learn to wait for the songs (cause those are the best part) wait for the sacrament (something to break up the monotony), wait to go to primary, wait until you're sixteen to start dating, wait until your married to have sex, wait until you're married to have a baby.

As a woman, especially in the church, you're told to wait for the man to make the first move, wait at home while your husband is at work, wait for your husband to finish college before he supports you. If you don't get married by the age of 21 you're told to just keep waiting for Mr. Right, maybe he'll come along one day, and if not, you'll be lucky enough in the after-life to be chosen as a second, third, fourth (hundredth?) wife of a worthy man who can take me to the celestial kingdom because, no matter how well I live my life, I have to wait for a man to take me there.

To be a good wife you're taught to wait on your husband, what does he want, make sure his needs are met. To be a good mother you have to be patient with your kids while they learn what they are supposed to learn, wait for them to learn to use the toilet, wait for them to learn to walk, wait for them to learn to talk, wait for them to learn how to do just about everything. In the mean time, you need to wait around so that you are there for either your children or your husband when/if they ever need you. Don't be too far away if they get hurt because that could be neglectful, don't be at work if they get sick at school because that would make the school have to wait for you and THAT is entirely unacceptable.

I posted a blog yesterday about loneliness. I had a couple of people respond that I need to get out into things and date people. I had some people tell me that I need to see it as an opportunity to be alone and figure out who I am and what I need. Then, I had one person who told me to stop waiting.

WHAT?!?! Stop waiting? Well, that's all I've ever done is wait. She hit the nail on the head exactly. I'm not lonely, per-se. As was discussed with her husband yesterday, I have good people in my life, people I care a great deal about, people who I love and who I enjoy spending time with. I'm not really lonely. What I'm missing is someone to wait on.

When my kids are around I LOVE it! I can make them dinner, I can cuddle them and talk to them and I don't feel at all lonely. When I'm with my family I don't feel at all lonely, when I'm at work I don't feel lonely, with friends I don't feel lonely, when I'm with Todd I don't feel lonely one of the reasons is because when I'm with all these people my great ability to wait kicks into play. In fact, when I'm with these great people in my life I feel at peace, I feel like someone needs me, like I can help out someone in some way, any way.

The problem comes at the end of the day when they all go home and I'm by myself. I don't feel lonely as much as I feel un-needed. Sure, my fish need me, for about 2 seconds while I feed them, but after that, what do I do? There is no one around who is there to serve, to help, to wait on. I'm left with just me and my thoughts…and boy, can those be scary…trust me, you don't want to hear my thoughts.

Some people say this is a good chance to reflect on my life but, that, for me can be very harmful, I generally tend to reflect on the negative parts of my life. In fact, even reflecting on the positive parts leads me to negative things, how could I do this better or that better, what if, I should have and it becomes a very self destructive process for me.

But, Amy said that I need to stop waiting for everyone else to need me and figure out who the hell I am. And she's right, I don't feel like I'm anyone without someone there to need me. Figure out what it is that I want from life.
Problem is, what I want from life is to be needed and to have all the love that I have to give to others be reciprocated. And, so the vicious cycle starts again. If I don't have someone to need me at the moment, and I don't have someone to reciprocate my love at the moment, then who am and what can I do? Sure, I can go out and try and find someone to fill those needs or, I can do what Amy & Todd both suggested and figure out who I am WITHOUT having all these people are around.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." One of my most basic needs is to be loved. I sometimes feel that I could go for weeks, months years without other basic needs being met (food, water, etc) but my need to be loved seems to be even more basic and more vital for my survival. And I don't think I'm alone in this. Pretty sure there have been numerous studies about the need for animals (including humans) to feel loved. There's a level of security in that feeling.

So, the question is, does my need to be loved have to be put on hold while I figure out who I am? Or, can the two go hand in hand, is it possible to figure out myself while I'm also searching (waiting) for love? Or am I so dependent on my need to fill others needs, to be needed and to be loved so intense that it hinders my ability to find myself? Does it depend on the person who is providing the love (or, in my case the person I'm waiting for to reciprocate my love)? Does it depend on me and how much I let it envelope me?

I think with the right partner a person can and will develop their own personal identity and can know who they are. But, then again, maybe that's my overly optimistic (or is it hopeful) view on things.

On a lighter note, things are going very well at work. I've done something that hasn't been done before in my office and it's proving to be very successful. In collaboration with a partner agency we developed training materials and a training program about voting rights for people with disabilities. Over the last two weeks, under my leadership, we have trained 400 people around the state about their voting rights. We still have 20 more trainings to go and I hope to double that number. It's been a great collaboration with our agency, our partner agency as well as the rest of my staff.

Yesterday my boss walked by my desk, which is in total disarray and said "Alison, this place looks like command central with two computers out, and all the stuff you have going on. I love it and love what you've done with the project."

One yet another note, a few weeks ago Ado and I had a talk about immigration and divorce. For those of you who don't know, the reason the divorce has not yet taken place is because of immigration woes. Ado and I have been separated for almost a year and yet we are still married. This is a frustrating process for me. I don't want him to be deported, he's the dad of my kids. He means the world to each of them and, I believe that he has become more important to them than even I have (that was hard to say). Having him go to the UK would be incredibly devastating to them. So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Immigration has as long as they want to make a determination on his appeal. Does that mean I have to wait that entire time? Do I have to put my life on hold because of this? So, like I said, Ado and I talked about this last week (or was it the week before?) and he agreed that I shouldn't have to be married to him when his baby is born and that we can file the divorce in November.

After this conversation I hung up and cried. For the loss of our marriage, for the relief that I don't have to keep waiting, for the hope of what my future can bring, for the fear of what being divorced will mea (probably not much different than the last years). But, at least I have something.

I love you all and am grateful for what each of you bring in my life.

Combating Lonliness When You're All Alone

So, how does one combat feeling lonely when you're all alone? Since I moved out of the house and am living on my own I've been fighting with this feeling of loneliness every day and am not sure how to over come it. I've tried filling my time with other activities but the problem is those activities are just it's just that, filling the time and when the activity is over there I am, still alone.

So, how do I fix it?

You know, as I think back on things, I've really been lonely for much longer than when I moved out. Ado moved out last October and I was very lonely at that time. But, emotionally he moved out years before and I've been struggling with this for years now. I don't like too many people and am not good at keeping friendships going. But, there are a few people who I do get a long with very well. I fear that my fear of loneliness can be overwhelming for them because I want to spend all my time with them and I'm sure that they need time away from me and all of my neediness.

Any suggestions from anyone on how to figure all this out?

It's Not a Full Moon, so What's Going On?

Craziness abounds in my life these days and I'm not sure what's going on.

Yesterday I was online chatting to a man that I've known for about 4 years. He told me that he was in town on leave and said "it would be more fun if I had your hot body on top of mine!" HAHAHA This made me laugh so hard and I had no idea how to respond but to laugh at him. This guy is so hot but one of those men that you would never be with because you would feel so inferior and self conscious. He wasn't impressed with my laughing at him and quickly logged off. Oh well.

Then, today, I was at the gas station for a quicky. Just $10 of gas. Should have been in and out of there in just a couple of minutes. But, NOOO...I got sidetracked.

As I'm getting out of the car a very attractive man pulled up into the space next to mine. He nodded in my direction and I nodded back. A minute or so later he asks me "What would you call this place?" I'm thinking to myself, 'a gas station'. But, I held my tongue and said "what do you mean?" Like, what part of town is it? "Oh, West Valley, Glendale area". "Where is Rose Park?" "Just down the road a little bit." "What about the Rose Park golf course?" "Just keep heading down Redwood Road and you'll see it on your right."
I
of course assumed the conversation was over. The gas station is not a social gathering spot. One goes to the gas station, fills up the car and leaves. Even when you see people you know you rarely sit and chat with them. It just seems odd.

But, I was wrong. He continued asking me questions, getting more personal; are you from around here? Did you grow up here? Do you like it here? Why are all the women so conservative here? What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done with a guy?

Hold on!! What? I don't know you, I don't know your name. There's probably no one who knows the most spontaneous thing I've done with a guy, that's none of your business. Again, just like the day before I just started laughing. I told hi jum that I don't know him and I'm not going to discuss it with him. He then asked me if I lived close by and said "Let's go over to your place and fool around."

WHAT?!?!? Are my ears playing tricks on me? Did a total stranger just ask me, at the gas station, to take him to my place and fuck him?!?!? I burst out laughing and told him no. "Come on, look at you, you're so hot! And look at those, are they real?" Again, laughter and I affirmed that they are indeed real. "Come on, you know it would be fun. It's been three weeks since I've had any and I'm dying and you are soooooo hot." hahaha

At this point I realize that there is no gas going into my car. It hadn't even started pumping. I go over to figure out what is wrong and then go inside to sort it out. When I come out, he's sitting in his truck and said "come here" I walked over "I'm going to give it one more try. You've gotten me so hot, aren't you even a little bit hot? Doesn't the idea turn you on just a little bit? It would be a great story" hahaha "It already is a great story" "You can make it a little bit better". I again told him no and then he said "Well, do me one thing, go over to your car and pretend that you're getting into it and bend over just for me".

Oh dear God! Is he serious? I just laughed and walked away. I hope I didn't burst this guys ego but, it was very flattering to think that a total stranger thought I was attractive. Good luck to him with his odd approach is what I have to say.

I guess I'm exuding some level of confidence and sexiness because just a few minutes later another guy pulled up and started talking to me as well. This is all new to me and has never happened. I guess I need to learn how to respond to such encounters instead of laughing in their faces. Or perhaps it's just the heels I'm wearing today. Who knows.

My First Day in Greece

So, most of you know that I spent the last two weeks in Greece. I had an absolutely amazing time!! It was time that I needed for me to just figure some things out in my life, figure out what I want, who I am and what is important to me. Additionally, it was a time to get to know a new friend better, to explore a part of th world I had never been, learn some history and remember that there is a big wonderful world out there beyond Utah.

Just getting to Greece was an adventure in and of itself with Todd flying stand by, nearly getting kicked off of the plane before we even left Salt Lake. Then once in Atlanta he was "stuck" in first class while I, the one who payed FULL price, was priveleged to fly coach.

Day one in Greece was full of adventure. Getting off the plane and being hit in the face not only with a foreign language but with a foreign alphabet. We had to get from the airport to our hotel in a suberb of Athens called Kallithea (Cal-i-thay-a). We took the train to Kallithea, got off, and with the help of Todds GPS started walking. We walked, and walked and walked. Carrying my 36 pound backback on my back and my little pack on my front. We continued walking and were pretty sure we weren't in the right place. It actually became quite funny. We decided to take a taxi. So, we stood on the side of the road and hailed taxi after taxi. This was no easy feat. First, getting someone to stop was a challenge then, once they stopped, we would show them the address we needed to go to and, without comment or response, they would drive away. This didn't happen once but, time and time again. I was told a bit later that I need to show more cleavage if I wanted to get a taxi to stop.

Finally, after walking for ever we arrived. No, not at the hotel. We arrived at the next train station. At this point we determined that we should probably take the train to a different stop and see if that makes a difference with the GPS. So, we went to Piraeus and began the process over again. The GPS said the hotel was only 2, no, wait, 3, no wait, 6 miles away. We were having no luck with taxis so we decided to start walking. Finally, a taxi driver stopped and offered to take us to our hotel, for 28 Euros (only about $50). The drive took less than 10 minutes but, we were there! We turned on the AC (BIG mistake), took a nap and went out to dinner.

Dinner was another adventure. Todd ordered a stuffed hamburger and the waiter had to check to see if they actually served that dish. Turns out they did. Then I ordered spaghetti. Again, he had to go back to check if they served that dish and again, success! At this point we should have known that all was not right with this restaurant. Or perhaps our first sign should have been that we were the ONLY people in the restaurant. But, we stayed.

Dinner was served. The menu forgot to list that part of the stuffing in Todds burger was, in fact, human hair. Yes, that's right, hair! This was no ordinary piece of hair in the food, this was a LOOOONG ass piece of hair. I began pulling on it and it just kept coming out. I suspect it was a good 8 inches. My spaghetti had much to be desired as well. When we were finished eating, we sat there waiting for our check. The waiter sat two tables away, watching us sit and wait for our check. So, the showdown began. We were watching him watch us watch him watching us waiting for the check. He won. We finally had to motion for him to bring us the check, which he finally did. We pulled out the money and sat there again, waiting for him to come and get the money. Which he didnt and we finally went in to the other room and paid. By doing this, we were able to see the woman to whom the hair belonged. Scary!

On our walk back to the hotel we stopped in a bakery and bought baklava. Back at the hotel we each took about one bite of our baklava, determined it was too sweet and then just watched TV until we fell asleep. Well, I fell asleep, not sure how long Todd stayed awake but, I was soooo tired that I was out pretty fast.

So ends the first day in Greece. Things I learned on the first day.

1. Figure out how to get to your hotel BEFORE you realize you don't know how to get to your hotel.

2. Clevage is a powerful tool...use it if you can.

3. The GPS doesn't ALWAYS know the way.

4. Todd can find the humour in something that other people can't (walking blindly through Athens).

5. If you are the only people in a restaurant, take that as a sign and find somewhere else to eat.

6. I'm not the only dork who thinks stupid jokes to themselves such as (It's all Greek to me) when seeing Greek posters in the airport.

Just got back from my first ever Poetry Salon. My work sponsored it this evening in collaboration with a couple of other organizations in celebration of Fair Housing Month and Poetry Month.

First thing I want to say is that my girls are amazing! They both wrote their own poem and stood in front of a room of 50 people and read their poem to everyone. This is something that I would never do! I would stand in front of people and read someone elses works, or words, I would sing, or lecture or teach but, write my own poem, with my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and then share it with a whole room of complete strangers? NEVER!

The topic of the poetry salon tonight was "Home". Most peoples poems were memories of what home was to them growing up. Then, about halfway through, a young man stood up. He was dressed all in black, with knee high black leather boots that laced up. He wore a long black trench coat, and had is long black hair tied back in a pony tail. His skin was very pale and he wore a single silver chain around his neck, adorned with a cross.

This man started by saying "I don't normally provide any introduction for my poetry but, I am compelled to say something about this one. When I was asked to prepare something for tonight, and was told that the topic was home, I had to really think about it. I pondered for quite a while about what home is to me." Then he read his poem. From the poem I gleaned that he didn't have a very supportive home life. He wasn't close to his parents and if he had siblings, he was not close to them either. Although he could have focused on negative things from his past (as other writers had) he chose to discuss home as people. The positive people in his life around whom he feels "at home". I was touched by his honesty, his sincerity and the vulnerability he showed, tearing down any preconceptions I had based on his appearance.As the night went on, I began thinking about what he had said "what does home mean to me"? I currently feel displaced, homeless, if you will. What was my home now is a foreign place for me, with foreign smells and foreign furnishings. I'm staying at my mothers house now, and although I lived here for several years during my adolesence, it doesn't feel like home to me, so much so that I haven't even unpacked any of my suitcases. I also spend at least one night a week at my friends house. But, this is not home either, this is his place and I am his guest. So, with no physical place to call home right now, what is home to me? Just the thought brings a tear to my eye. "home is where the heart is" or so the saying goes. If that is the case, where is my heart and then I can find my home.I believe right now, home is with my kids. Wherever we are together, that is home. It might be in the car, listening to Queen's greatest hits. Maybe it's walking through the store holding one anothers hands. Or perhaps it's sitting in a poetry salon with one on either side of me, laying their heads on my shoulder and the third sitting on my lap with my arms wrapped around her. Right now, they are my home.I know that as the years pass I will once again find a physical place to call home, somewhere I can relax, and make it my own space. A place where my children can be and grow, have fun, play, learn, make mistakes, argue, fight and love. And, perhaps, one day, that home will also include someone else. Someone with whom I fall in love, to whom I decide to give my heart and the two of us decide to make a home together. Who knows?