So I had the craziest dream last night about my kids and I have no idea what it's supposed to mean or what inner fears I'm having about the kids but, here it goes.
In my dream we were at one of the many homes that we lived in as children. It's the house which, for some reason, I have most of my dreams about although I don't think we lived there very long. It's a little three story place on a small hill (as a child I thought the hill was HUGE) and in front there was a very big tree. When entering the front door the kitchen was to your right and the living room to your left. There was an opening between each of these rooms on both end and at the far end was a set of stairs. Up the stairs were three bedrooms and a bathroom. From the kitchen there was a door leading out to the carport as well as a set of stair going down to the basement. The basement had a large family room and bedroom. This bedroom was usually my parent's room. The kids usually slept upstairs. Now, my description of the house may not be entirely accurate but what is important is this is how the house always appears in my dreams.
In this particular dream there was a large crowd of people assembled at the house. Mostly all were adults. There was also a man dressed as a judge, wearing the whole black robe thing. There was some sort of hearing or determination going on in the basement and most of the people were congregated down there.
The purpose of the gathering was to determine who would be more fit to be parents to my children than Ado and I. There were many people there and apparently my kids were in high demand. There were couples there from all walks of life; racially diverse, socially diverse, religiously diverse, economically diverse, etc.
I was sitting on the front lawn underneath the tree and was very distressed. I couldn't believe this was happening and that someone thought that for SOME reason I was an unfit mother. As I was sitting, distressed, on the front lawn a very attractive man whom I knew (although I really don't know who this man was) approached me and asked what was going on and why I was crying. I began to tell him about the day and why everyone was here. The telling of the story brought more tears to me and I began sobbing. This man, with incredibly blue eyes, leaned in to kiss me, in an attempt to calm me down. I was appalled that he would think such an action was appropriate or that it would help me in any way. I quickly withdrew and slapped him across the face. He tried again and I again slapped him and told him off.
At this point some strange things happened. I walked in the front door to the house (which in itself is unusual because we always used the carport door as children) and saw a young couple having sex on the floor. I shouted at them and they both jumped up and pulled on their pants. "How dare you have sex in MY house and on MY floor. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Leave now. Leave!" They tried to protest my kicking them out but I wasn't going to hear of it and they eventually left.
I knew that I had to do something to save my kids to ensure that they stay with Me and Ado, even though we are no longer together. I knew in my heart that we were better parents apart than any of the people there were together. At one point I said to someone "I may not have pushed them out but they are still MY kids. I taught them what they know, I've cared for them and provided for them! They are, in all intents and purposes mine!" I got the feeling that for some reason they couldn't be with Ado AND me. That they had to be with a two parent family and this is why the whole proceedings were happening. Since Ado has no biological connection to him he had to fight for them just as much as everyone else did. Although they are biologically connected to me I was unfit simply because I was a single parent.
I felt lost and confused and all alone. I couldn't find Ado and was frustrated that he wasn't there fighting for the kids. I had seen him there earlier in the day but he hadn't shown up yet after the lunch break. I was beginning to panic. They had to be with me or Ado. I had no family there to support my cause and I was looking all over for Todd who was some how lost in the crowd. I also knew, somehow that he was there but I just couldn't find him.
I went down into the basement to look for the judge. I had to plead my case! The judge was no where to be found, just people looking at me and judging me for being a single parent and thinking how awful I am for trying to raise them in such an environment.
I pled my case to anyone that would listen. Crying intermittently. Sobbing every so often. I am their aunt. I love them, I can provide for them and they should be with me or Ado before they're placed with some total strangers. They love us, they respect us, they feel protected around us, they know they can count on us. Finally I was told that the judge was meeting individually with each of the candidates to review their financial ability to support the children. I knew that my income was much lower than many of the people there but that it was also sufficient to provide for my kids. I had to find the judge. I went upstairs and he was coming in the carport door. I was introduced to him by Todd and he was very polite to me, except that when I told him who I was and why I was there he brushed me off, moving quickly down the stairs.
I followed him telling him that I had the right to voice my opinion, that I had the right to be considered, just like everyone else. He just wasn't listening to me or what I had to say. Then I saw Ado come in and was so grateful. I told him he had to go discuss his finances with the judge. I told him that they won't even consider me and it's up to him now to save our kids from spending the rest of their lives with total strangers.
I again began to cry and at this point my alarm went off and Loni stirred next to me in bed. I turned off the alarm, rolled over and wrapped my arms around my little man so thankful that he was there and he was safe. I felt happy and content and pleased to have my children with me for the week. I fell back asleep and didn't care if I was going to be late for work. My family was safe and there was nothing to worry about.
