The Pity Party Must Come to An End

I'm a fun type of girl. I enjoy a good party now and then, but the most recent party I've been to has just not been my thing. It's been a lonely, ugly, sad, sad party and I think it's time the party comes to an abrupt halt.

For those of you who are long time readers of my writings, you'll know that this year I didn't set any New Years resolutions, I merely had a mantra. Let me refresh, "A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter." This year I was not going to forget what it is I want out of life and was not going to settle for anything less. Unfortunately, by doing so it's left me feeling a bit lonely.

Prior to my commitment to myself to not settle, I was dating on a fairly regular basis. In fact, several times a week I was going out. But the flow slowed and slowed and then finally I stopped the flow. All I was getting were real full on loser men. These men, it seemed, were interested in one thing and one thing only, that I settle for something I didn't want. Okay, not ALL of them, but most of them did. And for at least one of them I almost convinced myself it was okay to settle. It's not, by the way.

This slowing of the flow, along with my personal decision to just turn it all off left me, not settling, but also with a whole lot of extra time on my hands. The time was brilliant, at first. I was able to really think about who I am and what I want, what makes me happy, etc. As well as put a lot of focus into my career and my kids. But what it also left me with was a more obvious view of what I don't have in my life.

Like I've said before, I really have it all in my life, well, all except one thing, and that, perhaps is why so many of my blogs talk about this one thing. With the one hole in my life becoming more and more obvious I began to feel sorry for myself. And once that happens, there is no slow spiral down for me, no, this is like a fast, free fall plummet to the depths.

As my birthday approached I began to lose site of all the amazing things and people in my life and focus solely on what I don't have, what I haven't accomplished, and so when the big 35 hit I was pretty much at my lowest. I was right in the middle of the biggest pity party I've been to in a long time and there I was all alone in it. Sure, I was surrounded by people who love me, but I didn't want to be surrounded by them. All I wanted was to go home, crawl into bed, and be left alone (course it didn't help that mother nature was also visiting). But, isn't that the way pity party's go? The whole point of them is to be alone and those you didn't push away tend to run away fast because you're pretty much the bitch queen.

It was time to take a long look in the mirror. I had, within the course of about a week, morphed into a vile, ugly, mean woman. I recognized this woman too. I recognized her all too well...this was the woman I had become while I was married. The woman I vowed I would never become again. How had I allowed myself to become this person again? And, more importantly, how to I come to terms with the fact that although I had hidden this woman over the last two years, she is still a part of me and she and I need to reconcile our differences.

I so despise this woman that, over the past little while, I pretended she didn't exist. And now, as I sit here writing this, I realize there-in lies my problem. By not admitting that she is a part of who I am I don't recognize when she comes out and let her begin to take over my world. She is the "mean mommy" she's the bitchy wife, she's the resentful cow who, instead of facing the reasons I'm mean, bitchy and resentful, just allows all the meanness, bitchiness and resentfulness permeate her my every being.

So, apologies to those I've hurt, pushed away, and alienated over the last couple of weeks. You all mean the world to me and I have no desire to lose you from my lives. In fact, it's at these times that I need you even more. I need you to hold the mirror up to my face and ask me who I'm seeing. Ask me if this is the woman I want to rule my life. When you see the forced smile, and me holding back tears, don't let me lie to you and tell you that I'm just tired. Make me admit it to you so that I can admit it to myself.

Where to now though? I need to come to terms with that ugly woman in the mirror looking back at me. I need to recognize that she is a part of me, and a part of me that I can't hide from but come face to face with and look right in the eye and say "yes, I know you need your time in the sun. I'll let you come out, but only at the right time and under my terms." I much more enjoyed the Alison I've re-discovered over the last two years, the one who can smile at the drop of the dime, the one who finds joy and humor in most things in life.

And now I'm crying. Fabulous way to start my morning, huh? And yes, these are tears of pity for myself. And as soon as I admit that they are self-pitying tears they stop. Funny that, huh? No one wants others to feel pity for them. Least of all ourselves. So, with those dried up tears, the pity party is now officially over.