Success!

Something seems to have finally clicked with T and school.

After two years of trials she passed off her 2 times tables last week. We started working on the threes Monday morning. Me prepared for another two years with her threes. But, she called me Wednesday at work to inform me that she had passed off her threes!!!

She had only been working on them for TWO DAYS!!! A HUGE improvement over the two years on the 2's. Not sure what's happening but she's finally got it.

Hooray for T and her times tables!

Heading for a Meltdown

I feel like I'm just a little too young for a mid-life crisis...if I'm really having one now then that means I'm only living until I'm 70...yes, far too young to be feeling like this.

Last time I felt anywhere near a total meltdown was a couple of years before the divorce. And then I lived with that near meltdown mentality for nearly four years. I have an uncanny way of being able to put on the happy face and make believe that I'm doing well. Back then there were no kids around so I only had to put on the happy face in public. Once I came home the facade was broken down and I had nearly nightly meltdowns. Although sometimes I could go weeks without even letting my husband see the cracks in the facade.

I was talking to a good friend and colleague, whom I also made feel uncomfortable the other day when I told him he sounds like a therapist...and perhaps that's why I'm able to talk to him so well...he costs a lot less than my last therapist. Anyway, I told him that I felt like I was losing grip on reality and that I was becoming obsessively neurotic about certain things in my life. As a result I made a life choice which I'm still not sure I made the right choice but it felt good at the time...as a result of my neuroses I'm of course, seconding guessing myself about the choice...anyway, back the conversation with the friend/colleague. When I told him I was becoming neurotic he seemed shocked and said that I didn't appear to be that way at all...interesting yes? Here I am thinking that everyone can see me falling apart one piece at a time and really, no one can see it. What does that say about me?

Either I deserve an Oscar "I'd like to thank all my fans, my mom and my dad, my brothers and sisters." (or is that my testimony?) Or it says that I don't rely on my support group nearly enough. I look around me and see the most amazing, fantastic group of individuals who are all there to support me in anyway they can. And the amazing thing about all of these people is they are so varied and different and have such different views on the world, life, God, everything that I could really get everything i need from them...if I allowed it. As I'm thinking about all of this I on my drive home the Matchbox Twenty Song - Unwell Came on the radio. For those unfamiliar, here are the words and you can go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOPssHhyXec to hear the song (if there is a way to actually put the song on my blog can a more experienced blogger show me how?)



All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

How I used to be? I think that is the most difficult line for me to come to terms with. I tell people that I'm an onion (yes, I stole it from Shrek) I have multiple layers to me and those layers have developed over my life. I would guess that each one of you who reads this has a vision in your head of "how I used to be" and you would each be right. I think part of my neuroses is coming to terms with all of those different sides of me, accepting them and reconciling them with one another. How will that happen? When will that happen? How long will that happen? I don't know. But I do know this for sure: I sure do like myself better when I'm not neurotic!

And perhaps the Ofuro Bath
and Japanese stone massage on Friday will help out too...here's to hoping!

My Dad

Yesterday it was 17 years; 17 years since my dad passed away due to complications of congestive heart failure, kidney failure and a myriad of other illnesses. He was only 44 years old. I was 18, and his death occurred exactly one week to the day of my moving out of the family home and going to college.

My dad wasn’t perfect. Who is, and all the memories I have of him are at least 17 years old, and most are older and fading and perhaps those are the best ones to have because they’re the ones that mean the most to me.

Two days before dad died, he was laying in the hospital and had asked that I come up to visit him. I have always disliked hospitals and the last thing I wanted, as the selfish 18 year old that I was, was to see my dad, sick frail and dying in the hospital. But we all knew that he wasn’t going to live much longer and I agreed to the visit.

That evening I went into his hospital room and he was there in his bed and the biggest smile crossed his face to see me. Like I said, I don’t like hospitals so I hadn’t been up to see him much, if at all, since he had been there. I can still see that smile on his face, my son Loni has his smile so it’s easy to picture. Dad was really sick and didn’t have much strength but he asked me to come up to the top of his bed. He slid over in the bed and I cuddled up next to him.

Dad put his arms around me and pulled me in close to him. At that time we had a little chat, the last one I ever had with him; the last words of fatherly advice that he would ever give to me. You would think, that I would remember everything from that conversation word for word. You would think that I would be able to recall all the things he said to me, but it was an incredibly emotional time and I don’t remember it.

I do, however, remember bits and pieces of the conversation.

Dad told me that he wasn’t going to live much longer. He knew that he had less than 3 days to be here on the earth and that he needed to tie up all his loose ends. This statement, of course, brought a profundity of tears. No girl wants to hear that her dad is dying. I’m sure I told him that it wasn’t true that he would be okay and that he would get better, but I was wrong.

Dad repeated to me the things he had been telling me over and over again the last few years of his life. He told me how proud he was of me for being so successful in school and showing my two younger sisters that it is possible to finish high school and go on to college. He told me how proud he was of me for choosing to continue my education and warned me that it would be difficult but that he believed I could do it. He was proud of me for discovering and exploring and perfecting my talent in music and for not giving up on that. Then he told me the thing that has and will stick with me for the rest of my life.

My dad pulled me close to him and held me tight in his arms. He told me that I was beautiful and that I should never forget how beautiful I am. He told me to not get frustrated with men, that he knew I had never dated anyone but that the right man is out there for me. He also told me it would take me a long time to find that man, but he is out there waiting for someone as incredible as I am. He also told me to not settle for anyone less than what I deserve.

I was very uncomfortable and the last thing I wanted, as a selfish, 18 year old girl, was to be in a room with my dad who was dying. To an 18 year old life can go on forever and ever and I didn’t want that elusion to be taken away. So after a few more minutes of tears I left my dad…

Two days later I was fast asleep in my bed when my mom came into my room to tell me that she was going back to the hospital because dad had passed away…those few minutes in his room was the last I saw my dad alive.

So, on this day late anniversary, I thank my dad for instilling in me the hunger for education, to be all that I can be and to see my full potential as a musician, student and woman.

I love you dad!

The Obama Ocho

The following is from the City Weekly, September 10, 2009 by Bill Frost

The Obama Ocho

Eight signs your child was brainwashed by Barack Obama’s school speech on Tuesday:

8. Instead of asking “Where’s his birth certificate?” he asks, “Where’s your high school diploma?”

7. She’s full of impossible ideas like a “career” and having fewer than eight babies.

6. He’s exhibiting Socialist tendencies, like sharing and playing with toy fire trucks.

5. She dares to ask over dinner, “What if Obama’s not the Antichrist? Can we turn the basement bunker into a play room?”

4. Instead of wanting to go to soccer practice Saturday morning, he asks “So, where’s the local farmers’ market?”

3. She switches the car radio from Radio Disney to NPR or, worse, jazz.

2. He’s demanding universal health care for his new ferret, which he’s named “Snarl Marx.”

1. She quotes Keith Olbermann and Rachael Maddow more than Jesus and Sean Hannity

Sam I Am

Facebook quizzes: the things we all hate to love. What better way to waste some time than to answer silly questions filled with poor grammar, bad spelling and pure idiocy? I took one a few weeks ago in which it asked what my favorite food was. Among the choices were Ramen, pasta or Flamen Yawn. I've had a Flamen Yawn before, let me tell you, watch out if you're any where near me when I have one of those!

I took one recently where purpose was to determine which Dr. Seuss character I am most like. Oh, there are so many good ones to choose from: Yertle the Turtle, perhaps, the one who forces everyone to do exactly as he pleases. Or perhaps the Cat in the Hat - fun, adventurous, spontaneous, always up for doing something exciting. Maybe even the Grinch - a cold, icy exterior who just needs a little lovin' to loosen up. But NOOOO...who do I pull? I pull none other than Sam I Am.

Green Eggs and Ham, was, admittedly one of my favorite Seuss books as a child, but when you start describing the character of Sam I Am, he is less than flattering; The little, annoying friend who wants you to try something and just won't drop it. He keeps pushing it and pushing it until he literally, pushes you over the edge and into the ocean.

Fabulous! This is just the type of person I want to be. Especially as a single woman, just the type of female a man wants to be around. Interpret this into relationshipese: Nagging, nagging, and nagging. Hooray! I always claimed to not be a nag and here is this infallible facebook quiz telling me I am just that!

So I tried to put a positive spin on it, if that's possible. Sam I Am is the little guy who knows that what he has is fabulous and doesn't want his good friend to miss out on the fabulousness (is that a word?) of green eggs and ham. Perhaps THAT is me. Perhaps, when it comes to dating, I know that I'm an amazingly, brilliant catch and I don't want the particular man I'm dating at the time to miss out on all of MY fabulousness. So I'm persistent, I'm a go getter. I know what it is that I want and I go out and get it. HA! If only that were true.

In fact, the exact opposite is true when it comes to relationships. I typically let the man steer it all. Whatever he wants, however he wants it to be I comply with his wishes. I may despise it the entire time, but I still comply. I can't even begin to list all of the many, many, many times I've done things for a man or the sake of a relationship which I knew I didn't want to do but did anyway. Why is it that I'm so compliant when it comes to men and relationships?

During the last days prior to the divorce these became more and more current happenings; it was an effort to save my marriage. I saw it slipping further and further away from healthy and knew not what else to do so I complied with many things which I shouldn't have. Looking back now, I know that it was because although the relationship wasn't at all healthy, it was at least a relationship and the unknown out there could be oh, so much worse. "At least," I would rationalize, "he isn't hitting me and that he is, really a good man. So what if he doesn't love me, the next man may hit me or my kids or do even worse." Yes, I did tell myself those things over and over again. Silly girl, I know.

After that relationship ended, I vowed "never again". I would never again compromise myself or my values. Yes, I know I have to make compromises in a relationship but that is far, far different from compromising one’s self. And yet, I continue to make similar mistakes.

Even when I know the guy isn't interested in me I continue to spend time and energy pursuing him. I have never, once, to this day ended a relationship on my terms. I've known they were ending, but never actually done the ending myself. I've always left it up to him to do. Because what if I'm wrong? What if I'm reading his signals wrong? What if he really is just really busy right now and once he isn't so busy he'll make time for me? What if, what if, what if?

I think, ultimately, and this goes back to a common theme in many of my posts, that I am really just scared of being alone. I think that a part of me is willing to put up with bad behavior, with bad manners, with lack of interest or intent because I'm afraid that if I don't that's all that I'll get, that nothing better is going to come along.

And another quick topic: What’s up with all the blackheads on my face these days? GRRR!

Sexy, Sassy, Smart and Single in Salt Lake

Welcome to my blog. First, a little about myself. I was born and raised in Salt Lake City, Utah as a part of the predominate religion in Utah, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was the second of four girls in our family, with no brothers and I was the “good child”.

Growing up, I did everything that I thought my parents wanted me to do. I went to school, had good friends, got involved in extra-curricular activities including music, theater, peer leadership. Additionally, I attended and was heavily involved in church activities. I held several youth leadership positions in the church and went to all my meetings possible.

I was the first, and only child in my family to graduate from High School with the rest of my class and went on to attend Southern Utah University (SUU) on a full music scholarship. After three years at SUU I decided to go on a mission for the LDS church. The day after my 21st birthday I entered the Missionary Training Center and continued on to serve an 18 month mission in Germany. Following my mission I returned to SUU and completed my degree and received a Bachelors of Science in Music Education.

During all of the time mentioned above I was a strong, confident, intelligent young woman. . Additionally, from the age of 16 until the age of 24 I went on a grand total of 2 dates, both of which were to girls choice dances. No, that isn’t a typo and yes, you did read that correctly, TWO dates.

After college I was working for three companies all at the same time, two of which were temp agencies and one was a night job. At my night job I met and started dating a guy a couple of years my younger. I, having no dating experience at all, fell instantly, madly and deeply in love. I had my first kiss when I was 24 by him and also lost my virginity to him. He meant the world to me and I really loved him, all the time knowing that he was already married.

That relationship lasted about as long as such a relationship can last with me heart broken when he moved back in with his wife.

Shortly after the end of that relationship I met and fell in love with another man over the internet, a Welshman. I moved to the UK, he was baptized and we were married a few months later. We were later sealed for “time and all eternity” in the LDS temple in London. During our time in the UK I was diagnosed with depression and even had a suicide attempt. I was not happy, we both assumed it was because I was away from my family so, after two and a half years in the UK we moved back to the US.

Life in the US started looking very good for the two of us. We both were able to secure very good jobs and were happy with our careers. We were unable to conceive a child and went through a couple of rounds of fertility treatments, also with no success. But we still seemed, appeared, and I even thought, we were happy.

One day, unexpectedly, we were suddenly the parents of three children, two girls and a boy, then ages 9, 5 and 4. We bought a new car and a new home to accommodate the children and we still seemed, appeared, and I even thought we were happy.

But, we weren’t. My husband had fallen in love with another woman. And informed me that he had actually, never really loved me. We went our separate ways in October of 2007 and our divorce was finalized in October 2008.

Shortly after our separation I met and fell in love with another man. Yes, I know, I fall in love too easily. Sorry, I can’t help it. This man, once described me as being “sexy, sassy and smart”. I, of course, loved this description of me, and have now adopted it for myself. This relationship, too ended.

So, here I am, for the first time in my life, realizing my single-hood. And here is my blog exploring all things that are Alison.

All posts dated prior to this one have been imported from various other places and sites.

The Exception or the Rule?

The last few years has been flooded with first the book and then the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” (the book). The purpose: To help women understand the male psyche, especially women who are in the dating arena. You see, according to the if a man is “into you” he will go out of his way to make contact with you. He won’t wait for your call or text he’ll do all these amazing things that we all really want a man to do. He’ll take the initiative and pursue the relationship. Further, according to the book, this initiative will happen when and how you, as a woman, want/expect it to happen.

The book further explains that most women are “the rule”. Meaning, if a guy doesn’t call/text you back when you call/text him, that means he’s not into you. Sometimes, it means he’s busy, but typically, not the case, that’s the exception, not the rule. So now women all over the place are asking themselves, “am I the rule or the exception”? Women are striving to be the exception, they want to be the exception (and yes, I’m included in this). And yes, of course, I have a couple of issues with this.

First, why are we so comfortable accepting the book as truth? As women, we are given labels all the time, and most women I know, and with whom I associate, despise being labeled and categorized with all other women. And yet, we, and I see it every day, are so easy to label and categorize men. We’re somehow comfortable with making statements like “men never learn”, “men just don’t understand”, “all men just want sex, that’s it”, etc. I see and hear these types of statements nearly every day. When the tables are turned women hate it! “women are bad drivers”, “women don’t like sex”, “women aren’t as intelligent as men”, etc.

Why is it that we’re okay reading the book and feeling like we’ve just been handed the holy grail of understanding relationships. The book puts all men into the same category and says that all men will act and react identically. I’m not comfortable with this. I’ve never been comfortable with labeling and categorizing people.

Secondly, why is it that, because of the book, women feel the need to sit around and wait to be the exception? Most women I know are exceptional and, in their own right, the exception to many things. Why is it that we have to sit around and hope that some random man will meet us and think, “wow!” and that we have to sit around hoping that someone will find her exceptional? I think that’s a poor statement on dating women. Why is it that I can’t be the one to look for the exceptional man? Why do I have to settle for the person who finds me exceptional, even if it’s not someone I’m interested in, instead of going out and pursuing a man who is amazing?

We’ve all seen the fairy tales, we’ve all hoped for the fairy tales and I’m not going to deny that I haven’t as well. That you meet someone and you lock eyes and you feel “the spark” and the music starts playing and you just know…Yes, I know it’s BS and I know it doesn’t happen that way, but it doesn’t stop us all from wishing it would, right?

I guess my point is this, why is it that I, as a beautiful, confident (most of the time), secure, intelligent, amazing woman, can’t pursue the man that I want? Why do I have to sit and wait and hope to be the exception? Why, if a man doesn’t return my call instantaneously, should I just say “oh, well, I guess he’s just not that into me”? Why can’t I put in a little effort and show him that I’m interested in him and that he’s really getting an amazing deal if he decides he wants to pursue things further?

Furthermore, while I’m on this topic, why can’t I be the one to say “I’m just not that interested in you”. I say that far too often we, as women, find ourselves, knowing the fairy tale doesn’t exist but expecting it to anyway, without any effort on our part. And why should I just assume that he’s not interested in me if he doesn’t do things in the time frame and the way that I think he should?

What is wrong with me expecting that if a man isn’t that interested in me to actually SAY it? I’ve been in many “relationships” where the man “wasn’t that into me” and yet we continued to “date” regularly and talk and get along just fine. At least I was under the impression we were dating, but since he wasn’t into me, I guess we weren’t. So, according to the book, he was giving all the signs of interest and yet he wasn’t. What about those men, huh? And it took me saying “so, are you into me” or something along those lines. I hate asking that, I hate waiting for the response and I hate knowing that if I don’t ask, nothing is going to be said and we’ll just continue along on the same path, me falling more and more for a guy who is just “going with the flow”, but his flow and my flow are simply running parallel to one another, never crossing and never merging.

I say that women need to look for the man who is the exception and men need to just communicate what’s going on inside those minds of theirs. They don’t want to be mind readers for us, so don’t expect us to read your mind and know if you’re interested or not, just say it. Or maybe I should get over my issues of being the one to ask and just say it myself.

“I’m interested in pursuing something further. Are you?”